6.12.2010

The stuff that life is made of.

At 3 am, my phone woke me up. After spending the last three days agonizing and having my beautiful coworkers go out of their ways to work around me, finding a way to set aside a month to be home in August, to say a goodbye... my phone woke me up. My grandmother finally cornered the doctors and got answers. My gramps has got "days to weeks". Days to weeks. What does that sound like to you? Days to weeks. It's lost all meaning to me. All I hear is, "not enough time".

I wanted to be the one to tell my brother out in California. It's the first time I've heard his voice in nearly a year. He was sitting at a restaurant having lunch with his wife and baby. The conversation was cooly rational, as it always is between the two of us. We don't have to break down or get hysterical to know exactly what the other one is feeling and thinking. After everything we've been through together, although it looks so cold to anyone on the outside, there's just no need for that.

I'm one of the luckiest people on earth, is all that I can think after speaking to my family this morning. The family that I have is simply unexplainable. It can't be put into words. There is a strength between all of us that can't be touched by anything, ever. And a love that can stretch down phone lines and across oceans as easily as can be conveyed with touch.

As I sit here listening to the rain fall outside this morning, I can't help but to accept. Accept that this is one of those profound moments in life when everything changes. When life grabs you by the throat and makes you stare it down directly in the eye, teaches you hard. And even though it's hard, you accept it for what it is, because this is the stuff that life is made of. This is what living means. Everything's connected, and in order to possess the profoundly good, you have to accept that someday you will suffer profound loss. And it's worth it. And if I ever say otherwise, you can take my life away from me, because I won't be deserving of it anymore. It's worth it.

7 comments:

Laura. said...

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Mr Nameless said...

Liz, I'm deeply sorry to hear what's going on and I hope that you and your family will cope through it. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

x

Anonymous said...

Fighting!

k said...

i dont even know what to say but are moms seem to be doing alright for the sercemstases if that does anything for you. how have u been latly? havent talked to u in a long time.

Anonymous said...

It is so strange to read your words here, Elizabeth. A close friend told me today to not lose hope and I responded, "There is a time to hope and a time to accept. Now is the time of acceptance."

I love you.

Ma

Sabrina said...

I´m truly sorry. I hope you will make it home in time and be able to say goodbye. Days to weeks sounds to me like between two days or two months and I hope the latter for you. I am glad your coworkers are so supportive. Your last words made me cry. You are so right!

I'm no Picasso said...

Laura, thank you.

Sir Billy, thank you.

Anonymous, always.

K... kid I love you to absolute pieces. I'll see you in August. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to it. Hang in there my number one buddy.

Ma, I love you too.

Sabrina -- it's looking like days. Or basically anytime now. It is what it is. We do the best we can in life, I guess, and make peace with the rest. Thanks for the well wishes.