Why am I awake at 4 am? And why have I been in all day?
Because we've been waiting to get some more news.
And here's the news, folks.
My grandfather's cancer is no longer just brain, lungs and adrenal gland (as if that wasn't bad enough). They've just found a large tumor on the spine as well. He went in last night complaining of back pain -- that was the message I got that made my heart drop this morning. We were hoping he was just being melodramatic (this cancer that he has is the result of kidney cancer he had 13 years ago which has been lying dormant ever since -- at that time, he had one kidney removed and the worst news we can get now is that the other kidney is infected -- therefore, we thought, back pain... psychosomatic? or at least we hoped....). It turns out he wasn't.
So. That's all we know at this point. It's still Saturday there, and the oncologist is not in. We don't know how long we'll have to wait to find out more information. But let's just say, at this point, it's not looking likely that I'll be finishing this contract. By how a big a gap, I still don't know.
I don't really know how to reckon with any of this. It feels a bit like if I leave Korea, some Liz sized and shaped hole will just close up behind me. Like it will be like I was never here, or somehow can never come back.
I can come back, of course. But come back to what?
My chest has been heavy for weeks now. I've lost ten pounds in the last two weeks. And most of that, yes, is worry about my grandfather and my family. But part of it, too, is worry about my future here in Korea, and anxiety about walking away from the momentum I've finally managed to gain.
I don't know. There's nothing to say. I just don't know.