Relief.

Strange, kids. I forgot all about university environments, workshops and writing. Yesterday, while the kid had her workshop class, I wandered around a bit before settling in a coffee shop where I got some very curious stares for being a white girl reading and writing in Korean. I tried my best not to be the white girl slightly muttering to herself somewhat out loud in Korean, but I'm not sure how well that worked. After, I met back up with the kid and her classmates for a smallish post-game at the post-grad club. After they all fucked off to another reading, me and the kid stayed behind for another midday pint and more conversation.

She's worried about a lot of things, and that's understandable, but I think she's going to end up coming out of this just fine. Mostly what I got out of the conversation was feeling something so genuinely and, for the first time in a long time, being able to explain what I mean in my most natural English without worrying about the other person not being able to understand.

I've always felt very closely tied to my words -- to a precision and exactitude in my way of speaking -- and I didn't realize what a strain it has been placing on me to not be able to speak naturally 95% of the time. I've become quite quiet, to be honest. And I was sort of already known for being quiet before.

At any rate, we were both exhausted and had planned on, after dinner, coming back to the flat to watch something and eat something else, but we both fell sweetly asleep on the couch and now, here it is, just before 5:30 am and I can't make myself go back to sleep. I hear stirring in the bedroom and I think she might be up as well.

Tonight I may finally get to see Gez, who just giggled like a mad bastard when I talked to him on the phone the other night. What a fucking character. There's a poor, unsuspecting innocent little Texan girl coming to stay in the flat this weekend and I pray to god we don't scar her for life.

It's going to be hard to let this go again. It's not that I'm not myself in Korea. It's just that I'm a different version. And I don't know how to be this version there. I don't actually think it's possible. I felt the same relief hanging around Iva and her expat pals in Vienna last year. I don't know. I'll miss it.