Vacation Blues.

I always get really fucking stupid and emotional literally the second the vacation period starts. Most of it is probably just a gut reaction to the fact that I know it's coming anyway. I don't do well with free time. Which I do fully realize is fucked up. But it's also the fact that my coworkers aren't in the office, my friends and boyfriend are at work all day in Seoul, so the only real social interaction I have all day happens between the hours of 9 and noon with sixteen year old boys. Which is great. But not enough to stop me from feeling a bit stir crazy and lonely.

Granted, this week has been busier than I expected. Because I didn't actually believe that HT would place actual high level students only in my camp. I plan camps based around one core principle, and that is that every activity should be cake for the students to understand and participate in, no matter what their level is. But this group, it turns out, can be pushed a bit harder. So I've spent a lot of my "free time" in the office restructuring lessons, to bring them up to their level.

The weather is the kind of gorgeous right now that (especially in Korea) makes you feel guilty if you don't get out into it, so I've been trying. The fact that I've been leaving the office during the heat of the day is not really helping with that. Mostly, I just need to be out of the house to avoid falling asleep in the afternoon. My hatred for aircon is well documented, but when it gets that hot in my apartment, all I want to do is doze off.

This is all just really fucking depressing. I'm sorry. There's not actually anything wrong, other than I don't know how to handle myself when I'm not properly working, and also, it was this time last year that I went home for a month to spend some time with my family finally facing and coping with my grandfather's passing. It'll be another two months before I get home now.

Busan isn't quite sure what to make of all of this. Probably the last thing he would normally call me would be "clingy", and I'm still not quite sure I've crossed that line just yet, but there's definitely been a step up in the meaningless communication and pouting because he's working overtime departments. I usually don't give him any grief about work, because I get it -- in my mind, work comes first. When you've got a marriage and kids to consider, then it's time to start reorganizing priorities, but there's no way in fuck I think a girlfriend should ever come before what you need to do at your job. Even if that girlfriend is me. It's not stopping me from guilt tripping a bit at the moment, however. The sick thing is, I think he likes it.

Anyway. The only thing I know to say is, once I reach retirement age, they're just going to have to take me out back and shoot me. Or maybe I'll learn how to just enjoy myself by then. I fucking hope so. There's no reason half days, free time, vacation and relaxing should ever make someone so fucking melancholy. Especially when the actual free time has not even been so tangible yet.

I'll get it together. I always fucking do.


karisuma gyaru said...

haha, i know what you mean. from today on, i'll have nothing to do for the next 5 weeks at work, and what my 3 years of experience doing this job has taught me, is that i will probably start trying to kill myself starting next tuesday... people don't understand just how terrible having nothing to do for hours on end is (even though you're getting paid) until they have to do it too.

all i can say is, i feel your pain!!!

MrCKDexter said...

My grandma never retired. Even after she stopped working, she was always running around town volunteering at the home for the blind, making banana bread to stuff into everyone's freezers, and snapping up the best deals at the grocery store. Let's hear it for the halmonis!