Stop stalking Mike.

Now, you people just stop stalking Mike. I know I'm obsessed with him, but there's no reason for you to be.

You can read all about him in the forthcoming bestseller, titled Life is Short, But Not Short Enough, authored from the sun deck of an asylum located on the sandy shores of Vietnam. It will chronicle, in detail, his misadventures trying assimilate into societies ranging from the mighty Han of the Republic of Korea to the stumpy hippies of Portland, Oregon (a large portion of which having ritualistically followed the migratory patterns of the hipster out from Williamsburg, where this dynamic duo first encountered them from the years spanning 2003-2008 -- first attempt at assimilation, there: failed -- further results to come). It will include 8-10 pages of full color photographs, including the Michael Magnes with Robot Series, and one of him wearing a cowboy hat, posed in front of a giant paper mache bobcat outside a Texaco somewhere between Dallas and the Dr. Pepper factory.

Expect it. Until then, leave the poor man alone. As one particularly deranged young art school student once put it, on the L platform of the Bedford stop in Brooklyn, circa 2006, "What do you, like, have dibs on Mike, or something?" Yes. Yes, I do. Now please go away.


MikejGrey said...

I don't even want to think about the migratory patterns of hipsters. There's going to be a lot of them there.

Let's open up The Deer Hunter in scene downtown Hanoi by the liberty bell, across the street from the Roy Rogers.

In the movie W, Josh Brolin as George W Bush drinks Dr. Pepper. And blames 9-11 on me.

I'm no Picasso said...

Until I met you I thought Dr Pepper was one of those things northerners just didn't get. Like 'billfold' and being nice to people you don't know.

I'm no Picasso said...

Also, sorry about the stalker run-off. I thought the best way to handle the situation was to draw even more attention to you.

MikejGrey said...

Who doesn't like Dr. Pepper? The first memory I have of it is from the movie Short Circuit. The robot learns to speak by reading a Dr. Pepper ad. Plus, it's apparently the regular soda with the most caffine!

I have no idea what billfold is, and people should be more nice to each other up here. I remember working at the drug store when I was in high school, and this old woman complaining about us not having something sale. I was writing her out a raincheck for whatever it was and she kept complaining. There was this woman in a sun dress behind her. As soon as she left the woman behind her, with a southern belle accent says, "I don't understand why ya'll get so worked up over this." "I don't either. I think I love you."

Just paint a target on me!

Word verification is flailism. This was a long comment. Can I guest blog your blog one day? I'll write about how the movie Moon is an allegory for teaching English in Korea.

I'm no Picasso said...

I feel like "flailism" has far too much relevance to my life at this particular moment.

Your billfold is your wallet. You put the bills in it, then you fold it. Someone we knew heard that on Judge Judy once and thought it was hilarious and hillbilly. I had no idea it wasn't a word everyone used. Cultural sensitivity fail, person we knew.

You can guest blog here anytime you'd like. It'd be better than anything I can ever come up with.

Seriously. I think you guest blogging is a great idea. Get to work.

babs said...

oh .. portland. it is the capitol of hipsterland... the motherland. you'll get a lot of good vegan food and thrifting and cheap drinks. oh and strippers.

cherryogarcia said...

that paper mache thing isn't there anymore!!!!

I'm no Picasso said...

babs -- We went to an art school in Brooklyn. I think everyone's plan, a year after graduation, was to move to Portland. I mean everyone.

Steph -- WHY???? Where did they put it....

MikejGrey said...

Portland has the most strip clubs per capita anywhere in the US apparently. Jack White once said that Portland is the only town where you can watch a girl strip to Tom Waits music.

Let's see how many ex-williamsburgers I can find. I bet there's a lot of fake hipsters. Like the kind that put salmon in the fish tacos.

MikejGrey said...

I'm going to guest blog about the album I'm recording with Brian Eno.


And then I'm going to write the sequel to Life is Short, But Not Short enough titled; Are You There God? It's Me, Magnes.

That will be about me opening a bar and buying a motorcycle.

babs said...

its true. the strip clubs are pretty much your local bar playing bowie watching suicide girls wave their fishnets in your face. but don't take the hispter route and stiff the ladies just because of the low key its my corner bar type vibe. not that you would im just saying.

and i think everyone every where's plan was to move to portland... or sf... or philly.. chronic city hoppers. good times though!

i would also like to add my captcha was totily

MikejGrey said...

I dunno. Somehow I can't picture myself actually going to a strip club though. Even if Bowie is playing. Even Station to Station Bowie. Maybe I'll end up living near one. I lived near one of those double barber pole places in Korea.

I'm no Picasso said...

We'll go together when I come to visit. Just pretend it's Mexico and it'll be alright.

Speaking of that, if you ever make it down to visit me while I'm in Texas, we'll have to cross the border. Because nothing could possibly go wrong in that situation.

MikejGrey said...

Oh man. I imagine this happening.

"Liz. I'll be right back. I just need to go in there for a second."

"Mike. That building says farmacia."

"I know."

*Comes back with a pinata*

"Fucking. No."

"It'll be fine. Just be cool. Plus you don't have a driver's license."

"I'm walking back."

"More drugs for me!"

Me in Texas. Somehow I can picture that, but I can't picture me in a strip club. Let's do it!

We can tell all of the hipsters in Portland that we lived in Williamsburg and Jay Z heights. We'll have infinitely more cred. "Yeah. I saw Radiohead when there was like three people there. It was like their first show."

I'm no Picasso said...

Oh god. "Fucking. No." is exactly what I would say in that situation.

You gotta knack feh characteh, kid.

I once saw a noise band that no one is in play in a basement that doesn't exist. And I shaved my head first. And I've also talked to black people before.

MikejGrey said...

This is probably what I'd look like as a cowboy. And a Simpsons character. http://tim.rawle.org/simpsons/quiz/images/quiz4pics/q20.gif

Incidentally, Koreans animate the Simspsons. Or draw them. I don't know what the difference really is.

"You've talked to... black people....?"


"Is that cause your name is black?"

"Shut up."

*me* "Yeah. shut up and buy my pinata drugs hippie. I need to pay off my student loans."

I'm no Picasso said...

MIKE!!!! OMG! 420 DUDE! DUDE 420! 420! DUDE! 420..... DUDE... dude... dude 420.

Looking back, I think *that* might have been the moment you and I first truly bonded.

MikejGrey said...

That's how we became the best of friends. After the jumping the shark thing.

DUDE 420!

I can't make jokes about this at work.

MikejGrey said...

You know I saw that deranged art student on the train the other day. She didn't see me.


MikejGrey said...

I think I'm going to keep commenting here like the good ol livejournal days.

MikejGrey said...

Plus I have nothing to do at work

ON 420 Dude.

I'm no Picasso said...

The jumping the shark thing was just a flash in the pan. We were both far to reticent to actually acknowledge the fact that we knew each other for like five months after that or something.

Haha. Livejournal. I'm posting something passive aggressive now vaguely referring to something someone I know is reading this did because we all live in the same building and we're all reading livejournal together and if I have to hear you chew your cereal one more goddamn time I swear to fucking god not that I'm talking about you because I didn't *say* you but if you happen to live with me and be chewing your cereal really loudly.....

MikejGrey said...

Hah. Tis true. I don't think it was until the green pizza incident that we actually hung out.

my word verification is unchomp.

Ham sandwich pizza. Unchomp it.

Oh dear. Those were the days. Well. No. God. Just imagine. You post several passive aggressive sentences on the internet, someone gets their panties in a bunch, and then tells you to OD in a dunkin donuts. And not to belittle their faith.

I've never been very good at the internet.

I'm no Picasso said...

Oh. The Green Pizza Incident. Where you dug some sex book out of the back bedroom and were reading it over everyone's shoulders nonstop whethere anyone was reacting to you or not. Yeah. That was definitely the first big step on the road to Magnes-Black bonding.

That's a real meatass sandwich.

Oh god. The OD in the Dunkin Donuts Incident. What a dumbass. The best part was when you changed that to the title of your comments field. Just to show how much of a fuck about that you gave.

Remember that shitty summer working at the lab together and blogging on each other's eljays when we forgot to log out?

MikejGrey said...

That was a real meat ass sandwich. That was also, probably the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten. I seriously can't think of anything worse to put in my mouth. Well. Maaaaybbbeeee..


Yep. Clearly I was straddling the lines between being an asshole, having aspergers, and being awesome. Maybe a mixture of all three.

Yeah. my comments section: "__OD in a dunkin Donuts." Ah. Just out of spite, I'm going to OD in whatever the opposite of a dunkin donuts bathroom is.

Ah. The computer lab summer. We seemed to rarely be scheduled to work together that summer. It was always me and Ian. And those goddamned cats. And our first brush with Korea.

Ah... well.. those were some times.


I'm no Picasso said...

"Mike. Stop eating the pizzandwich. Stop eating it."

"No! I will finish this pizzandwich if it's the last thing I do!"

"Stop eating it, Mike."


".... You're ridiculous."

MikejGrey said...

On my death bed, I'll probably mention the pizza sandwich as one of my greatest accomplishments.

So far it's definitely up there.

I'd like to think I've learned something from that.

I need a cigarette. Liz, come outside and have a smoke with me.

I'm going to buy a bicycle and turn into a hippy in Portland......:(

I'm no Picasso said...

If you turn into a nonsmoking, bicycle riding hippie, I'm forsaking you for good. Fair warning.

MikejGrey said...

I'll do my best.

What if I'm still angry and drunk the majority of the time? Screaming, "Enjoy your city Portlanders! You're never leaving it!"