Well. I've been slowly trying to piece my place together while simultaneously catching up with people back home/friends in other parts of the world.... I'm terrible about communication, but this is the one time of year where you really want to keep grounded with the people who really know you.
I did have one of those moments yesterday, as the phone filled up with Merry Christmas wishes and messages, where I felt really at home in Korea. This time last year I had just gotten my phone and had all of three numbers in it at that point. Mike and I still didn't know anybody and spent our Christmas getting sick on greasy Western food, and laying on the floor of his apartment watching a movie and complaining. Of course, I wish he was here now so we could essentially do the same thing, but this time because we choose to. I think I could even make him watch IRIS without complaining too much.
I'm somewhat jealous of all my foreigner friends who have managed to make it out of the Seoul satellite area for Christmas, but I think ultimately what I needed was a few days to catch up with myself and unwind. Plus, tomorrow night is the big party. I wanted to get out to get something decent to wear today, but then it started fucking raining... a rainy Christmas. Are you kidding me?
Anyway, I'm not about to go out and deal with that shit, and since JH wants to meet early tomorrow for dinner and drinks, I guess I'll just have to make do with what I've got. Which, by the way, is growing out of control. Part of the reason my flat has been so hard to keep clean up to my standards lately is because I just have too damn many clothes these days. My laundry room is already full to the brim with junk that doesn't fit me anymore, due to the fact that I've shifted about six dress sizes since I got here, and according to the scale I bought last week and finally figured out how to work (yes, even an electronic scale can confuse me) I'm still losing weight. Albeit slowly. I need to figure out something to do with all this crap....
I guess I'll go ahead and mention that I've got a kind of date thing planned for just after New Year's. I know this is a bad idea -- the guy already bores me -- which is why I set the date for so far in advance. I don't wanna. There's something about seeing a guy under "date" pretenses that just bores me to absolute tears. First of all, I think I get my defenses so high up that I don't believe a damn word that comes out of their mouths to begin with, but also it feels like the guy usually can't just relax and be himself, too worried about seeming perfect. Which is why it's so BORING. In all caps. Unless he's interesting enough to just not be able to help coming across as somewhat flawed, to say and do cute little stupid things, I just consider the whole thing one big acting session and a total wash. Go home disappointed and wondering why I even bothered.
This is one area where I've got really conflicted feelings about how things are different in Korea. In general, from what I've experienced, Korean guys try a lot harder on dates. It's the sort of thing I never experienced back in the States, that you always think was just something from a bygone era that has died off completely. In a way, it's really nice, to have a guy plan everything out and hold open doors and do the whole old-fashioned gentlemanly kind of thing. But on the other hand, I find myself missing the more Western style of just "hanging out", no pressure. Getting to know someone honestly and seeing where it goes.
Ho hum. Every now and then I hit up against a guy who nags me enough to where I just give in and go ahead and give it a shot. Then I convince myself that I'm never going to do that again, and then I do in another couple of months. The cycle continues, and nothing even vaguely rewarding has come out of it yet. I've had guys start sending the most ridiculous texts out of the goddamn blue, without knowing the first thing about me. I feel like in Korea, even more than back home, there's a tendency toward instant relationships that really rubs me the wrong way. It's so bad that I've had a number of really direct "I don't want to be your girlfriend" conversations that result in totally casual responses, which just goes to show how disingenuous the whole thing is to begin with. It just feels like they're shopping for a car or something -- well this one's not too bad, available and within my price range -- I'll take it!
I hate to sound like a total cynic, but I feel like those guys you meet out and around and just get talking to in the bar randomly one night are far more interesting. The ones who want to make you into a girlfriend and send constant "good morning" texts and whatnot.... meh. Phony.
I feel stuck between two groups in Korea -- the university guys who still live at home with their parents and therefore feel more free to be themselves and the slightly older guys who are employed and out on their own but ultimately seem to be looking for a girlfriend -- any girlfriend -- to just complete the equation. Anyway. Maybe I'll meet someone interesting at this party tomorrow night, but I'm certainly not holding my breath.
Anyway. Here's to continuing to behave myself, even through that infamous night for trouble on into the new year.