Lover, you should have come over.
This song brings back so many memories, it's not even funny. In fact, this whole album does. Mostly of my first winter in New York, my first trips home after I had left, working on that godforsaken novel for the ridiculously attempted one semester novel writing class (I didn't even do fiction, to begin with), and everything that was wrapped up in that time.
I've been talking to a young Korean (who is currently studying in Canada) a lot lately. Mostly, he's been wanting advice surrounding his first attempts, after living in Canada for several years, at dating Western women. It's interesting discussing the differences, and trying to make him understand the ways in which he has to be more patient with "foreign" women. It's also interesting that our relationship is, due to distance, mostly anonymous, and therefore we talk quite freely. It's kind of a great situation, because we're both experiencing being a "foreigner" in each other's cultures, and we can compare and contrast, both having a reasonable working knowledge of both, while also filling the other in on what they may not already know or understand.
The other night, he got his heart stomped on and asked me to phone him to talk while he was falling asleep. He makes me feel really old, mostly because I remember being that age and feeling like absolutely everything in love was the end of the world. I found myself explaining to him that he will mellow with time, and in a few years, he will find himself to be a lot calmer.
He said, "You mean I will become less passionate?"
"No. That's not what I mean. I mean you will become less panicked. You will know, when you have these feelings, 'Okay. I survived this before. I can survive this again.' Whereas now, all you can think is, 'I really think I'm actually going to die.' In time, you will find out that getting your heart broken is not the end of the world."
And you will learn your own patterns, learn how to recognize and follow them. Hopefully learn how to change them, if need be.
Even now, he's just sent me this song:
And I'm trying to explain, when I was younger, that's how it was. You fall in love with someone when you know it can't work out. You fall in love with someone you know is damaged, and who will damage you. But these days, I don't even turn my head for that anymore. These days, I don't mind rational. I want someone who I'm good for, and who is good for me. Someone it has a chance of working with. Balanced, relaxed and healthy.
God knows I've not had loads of experience. It seems like almost everyone in this world 'falls in love' at the drop of a hat. But that's not how I work. I'd be quite unhappy if it was. But I think the experiences I have had have been that much more valid because of this. It doesn't happen often, but when it does....
I don't know what I'm getting at with all of this. This time of year just makes me so damn nostalgic. And every single time I've loved someone, it has started in the fall. Both my moves to New York and to Korea happened in the fall. It's a strongly accented season, for me.
I wish Mike were here right now. It would be a good weekend for mostly lying low, grabbing a cup of coffee and mulling over a lot of nothing. I want familiar things at this time of year. But. I'll see the lovely Kelly and Willie on Saturday night, and be around other foreigners, which should help a little.
In other news, 형 came to see me in the EOZ today. The kid barely moves out of his chair, ordinarily. Well. The kid hardly moves ordinarily. I'll take it as a good sign.