Also, the S.O. is well aware of this and the other blog and has the address to both, and is free to read both at any time. Which might also make this slightly more inappropriate. Or less. I don't know anymore.
The point is, I'm mildly psychotic. Possibly minus the 'mildly'. And while it's not in my nature to fight, and most of the time I can't be bothered getting angry about a million things the S.O. seems to think I should probably get angry about, there are a very small number of things about which I cannot remain rational no matter how hard I try. And I fucking well try.
Today I was meant to head out to Bupyeong after work to pick up a present for the S.O. to cheer him up while he's working overtime during deadline, and change the scenery a bit for the two or so hours I'll spend studying Korean. And then I logged into Facebook and decided that the present was canceled. And that a bunch of other things were canceled, as well, which included a whole rotating list ranging from the absurd to the completely ridiculous. I got angry, basically, is what I'm trying to say. Why? Because the S.O. has R.S.V.P.ed for some stupid foreigner party.
He's seen this out of me before. A few weeks back we went out on a double date with HYF and her boyfriend and somehow the S.O. ended up seated next to some drunk foreign guy, with whom he ended up making normal friendly chit-chat. For about an hour and a half afterward, you could've offered to pay me a million dollars for the task, and I still wouldn't have looked the S.O. directly in the eye. Let alone touch him. Let alone let him touch me. Eventually, I managed to calm myself down and get over it without even bringing it up. But the next morning at breakfast, the S.O. pulled out the guy's card and voluntarily informed me that he wouldn't be contacting or meeting him. He's good at targeting the source of my emotions, even if he's not sure why they're coming from that place. And he's good at not needing to know why, as well.
Which is why he's probably going to notice this. If he's not already expecting it.
Why don't I just talk to him about it? Good question. Because I don't know what to say. Because I don't know why it makes me so irrationally angry.
Questions I have asked myself this afternoon while trying to work this out:
- Would I be upset if he were going out drinking with his guy friends?
- Would I be upset if he were going out drinking with his girl friends?
- Would I be upset if he were going out drinking with a girl friend?
- Would I be upset if he were going to an equivalent party sponsored and populated by Koreans?
- Would I be upset if the party were populated solely with foreign men?
Answers to these questions:
- No, definitely not.
- No, definitely not.
- A bit. The tiniest, tiniest bit. (Honestly.)
- No, not at all.
Answer: Because it makes me feel like his hobby.
This is fucking stupid. The man has done nothing but play basketball, work and hang out with me practically since we met. Who gives a fuck if he wants to go to a foreigner party once in a blue moon? He's not an "English enthusiast", as I've mentioned before. He's lived abroad in more than one country, and considers himself to be quite Western-minded, in a sense, which is why we are able to get along as well as we do. So what does it matter if he wants to hang out with foreigners in his free time?
But I still bristle at it. And he seems to sense that, and know why. Which makes me feel equal parts relieved and worried. Does he know why because he gets it, or does he know why because there's a reason why I should bristle?
This all has nothing to do with the S.O., at the end of the day. This all relates back to damage that was done long before he got to me. You all know what I'm talking about. It's part of the reason why I react so violently to Head Teacher, as well. Because when someone sizes up your value based on your foreignness, even if they come down on the 'plus' side, it still makes you feel like shit. Or it should, in my opinion. Because they don't get it. Which would be fine, if I didn't get it either. We could go along treating each other like token morons and have the time of our lives. But I do get it. So when someone on the other side doesn't, it hurts. I choose to be around the Koreans I do because I like them as people -- I chose them specifically. But there's this suspicion in the back of my mind that that's not always the case for me. Sometimes I'm the only foreigner on tap.
You know what I'm saying?
Combine that with the fact that I'm not that good at this relationship/emotions bullshit to fucking begin with, and yeah.... I went a bit nuclear this afternoon. And I probably will go a bit Ice Queen on him again when he mentions the party, as he's sure to do soon. Even though I'll try really, really hard not to. And then he'll figure out what's going on all on his own, and make me feel better. But for right now, I still feel uneasy. And I hate that I can't explain why.
Why am I putting this here? It's really embarrassing, I know. And embarrassing is not my style. But maybe I know that I'm probably not alone on this one. And I want to be reassured. Or I want someone to help me understand what it is I'm actually thinking. Or I just want company in my misery. Or I'm hoping to give you some in yours. I don't know. But here it is.