I don't sleep more than a few hours a night now, even if there is no reason to be awake at either end of the day. But I don't feel tired. I think I feel less tired than when I sleep more.
Made it to bed by one last night (some miracle) and so was up by 5 am. It's been nice to spend some time sitting and talking with my grams. She's been going nonstop -- Gramps still isn't home from the hospital, and of course the tough old bird still works full time.
She's got her faults, and I am inclined to go easy on them, because I got a lot of my own faults from her. But she's still a saint as far as I can see. And while those faults do contribute to some problems, they are moreso part of something else that helps her to carry us all through these things. Stubborn, determined, tenacious -- refuses to give in to emotions. She's a bitch on wheels more times than not, but you see the softness in her when things like this happen, as well as the dogged strength.
I'm glad for the time home with my family, especially with everything that has gone on these last few months. But I think too that I've disturbed the fabric somewhat. They think of it as me leaving them all over again. Again saying things here aren't good enough for me.
Supposed to arrive in SK on September 30th. I won't say I will this time, because I'm tired of doing that and then changing it. Knock on wood. That's in 12 days. My gramps may not even be home by then.
Do I even need to say that I feel guilty? Of course I do. And if everything hadn't been pushed to the extreme already, I may be able to buy myself another month. As it is I've already bought six or seven. I don't need to get into all of it. I'm sure everyone understands.
Sometimes you don't think -- you just do. Grams has taught me well there.
Bob Dylan: I Was Young When I Left Home