Absolutely ruined. I have no idea how a day of mostly nothing could possibly be so exhausting. It's just got to be the 107 degrees. Me and the kid went to dawdle around Target tonight and see what we could pick up for our prospective moves. I got that sensible belt I mentioned earlier and a set of XL twin sheets, pure dorm room style. As we strolled through the housewares section, I said, "My life is on repeat."
Later we went for dinner at a restaurant we've been going to for seven years.
"It's kinda depressing," she said, picking at the chips and salsa in front of her. "Always coming back home again."
We talked about her plans for grad school and I outlined the Korean holidays for her, to the best of my ability. I told her that if we aren't able to take a trip when I finish my contract, for whatever reason, I'm going to re-sign. Re-signing means not having to move, not having to start all over again, a pay rise and more vacation time. It also means only two weeks home.
Life falls funny sometimes, but you have to trust that there's something to it. The more I think about it, the more I am starting to see that it's time for me to really be away from home for a while. Not four hour flight, six months at a time away. Really away. I think part of the reason I could never really get my feet dug into Brooklyn soil was because I was back and forth so often. The night before I left New York I would say, I'm going home tomorrow. And the night before I left Dallas I would say, I'm going home tomorrow.
Not that I expect that to ever really go away. But I think breaking the sort of New York/Dallas shared custody situation will go a long way in helping me sort out where exactly it is I should put myself. It helps that most of my nearest and dearest are scattered across the four corners already, so I don't really have to choose.
When I came home for Christmas, it was the hardest thing ever to get back on the plane to New York. I even extended my ticket, which is something I'd never done before. Now, I have been here for long enough. Not too long -- just long enough. Long enough to feel comfortable leaving for a very long time. And trusting that things here will go on without me. And I will go on without them.