There's the language barrier, and then there's the cultural divide.
It's not uncommon for me to hear about how "Korean" I am. And I don't mean in the sense that I've adjusted and adapted well to the culture, or that I can use chopsticks and eat spicy food. My co-teachers, who are the Koreans I've spent the most consecutive time with and who have had the largest exposure to my way of handling situations, thinking about responsibilities and various subjects such as how children should be guided and expected to behave, are the main source of these comments. Whenever I hear them, I'm sure to correct them -- I'm not Korean at all. I'm American. Specifically, I'm working class Southern Baptist American. It just so happens that our cultures, despite their many differences, actually have a hell of a lot in common.
I was shocked to log in to Blogger one day recently and find that one reader had written in to address The Korean about how his ideas about "Tiger Parenting" and his Christian faith should somehow be discordant. My family was just about as Christian as you could get when I was growing up. My grandfather was a Southern Baptist preacher, and my parents met at church. And this was not some light and airy only-on-Sundays shit we're talking about, here. It was the basis of my entire childhood. And it was very much what dominated my parents views about how they raised me. Specifically, I was very, very familiar with the "spare the rod and spoil the child" school of thought when I was coming of age.
One afternoon, early on in my time in Korea (maybe still in the first year, or the beginning of the second), one of the PE teachers came into our smaller office to discipline a student. By "discipline", I do not mean "make him write an apology and call his mother". Obviously. But the PE teacher gave me a good once-over, hesitated and squirmed for a moment, before calling my co-teacher out into the hall. He knows a bit about "American culture", as it turned out, and was feeling uncomfortable about what I might feel about what he was about to do to the student. He wanted the co-teacher to warn me, and try to explain it to me and put me at ease as best she could. Which was remarkably considerate of him, and that's the kind of man that he is. But entirely unnecessary. I looked up at my co-teacher from in front of my computer monitor and told her that there was no need to explain it -- I was raised (and raised well) with corporal punishment. To me, it's nothing to bat an eyelash at.
But it's not just corporal punishment that showed up in the way that my parents that raised me with Christian values. I was also taught things like putting others before your own interests, not taking more than you need, turning the other cheek, and valuing and serving the community over the individual. I was taught to take responsibility for my own actions, and accept punishment and/or suffering with grace and humility. I was taught to unquestionably respect and obey my elders, specifically to speak with respect and not to talk back, no matter how wrong I felt the person in authority was. I was taught that, although a person in authority may be wrong and you don't have to respect them, you do have to respect the position that they hold, as someone who is presumably at least in some ways wiser and more experienced than you are -- that you don't always see things clearly when you are younger, and there are things that your elders understand which you don't have the capability to grasp yet. These are all values that I, personally, have found to be highly valued and promoted within Korean culture. And to be, frankly, a bit lacking in more "modern", mainstream versions of American culture.
I was also raised in an environment which valued traditional gender roles. To be frank, my upbringing was rather sexist. This is not a value that I still (or ever did) embrace. And I hesitate to point it out or lay it across as a banner on Korean culture, simply because, coming from the background I do, I understand all too well how easy it is for outsiders to be condescending about it, and to condemn it too blithely without really understanding where it comes from, or how it functions. But I will say, simply, that it was not something that I found to be shocking or unmanageable in the ways that it does present within Korean culture. I've been navigating that issue within my own, very American culture for my entire life. I didn't find it to be "Korean" at all.
The other part of my culture, which is very strongly tied to the Southern Baptist portion, is the working class portion. Growing up working class taught me a lot of things, some of which are pretty repetitive of the values listed above, but also including the notion that you do what work needs to be done and you don't complain about it. There's not a lot of "fair" when you come up poor, and you start hearing very early on that, "No it's not fair, but life's not fair." You also hear that if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right, and that if there's something to be done, it might as well be you who does it. You learn to respect hard work not as exploitation, but as a badge of honor for people who are willing to tuck their chins and do whatever it takes to put bread on the table for their families. You also learn that the boss man is the boss man, and even if he's an ass, he still holds the purse strings. And that's something that you just have to get over.
Do I need to get into how any of that might be applicable?
So, whatever. There are parts of me that run very, very deep that just fucking jive with Korea, is what I'm trying to say -- some parts that I may have even fought very hard to deny before I came, and grew a bit older, and started to see their value. A lot of it is shit that made me seem or feel somehow unsophisticated when I was at university at an art school in New York City with a load of 'liberal' rich kids. Nobody else got "spanked" when they were growing up. No one else spent their childhood actually believing in a god. Nobody else started mowing lawns for pocket money at ten years old.
But now I'm in Korea. And I'm not the one who is out of sorts. I see the kids from the liberal art schools and how they struggle to understand why the boss tells them to do things that they "shouldn't have to" do. I see how they are outraged! appalled! at a sexism that is, in my opinion, simply more direct and honest than the sexism that is just more conniving and subtle back in the States (same goes for racism). I see them flip their shit because a teacher gave a kid a very controlled smack on the ass with a stick for misbehaving.
I also see them struggle to wrap their heads around the fact that Koreans are not an entirely separate breed of human being. The same way they struggled not to slip out with comments about Southerners or red states or born-agains in front of me back at school. Or how they would openly make these comments about my culture right in front of my face, and then casually dismiss it with a wave of the hand and a comment about how I knew they didn't mean me, that I was different. I watch them try to work out how they're having such a hard time understanding a culture that is so clearly less sophisticated than their own, when, as the more sophisticated party, you would think it wouldn't be that difficult for them to adjust. And then turn around and blame that on the fact that Korea is just too racist/sexist/exploitative/etc., that they can't possibly be expected to adjust to this kind of society.
It couldn't possibly be that there are elements of Korean culture that are absent from their own value system. It couldn't possibly be that there is something far more sophisticated -- or, at the very least, complicated -- going on behind some of what they are only grasping on the surface level.
What I'm trying to get at is this: the S.O. is also profoundly working class. And while he's Korean, and I'm a foreigner, it's stupidly weird how much our backgrounds and values have in common due to this. There are not a lot of things that we just don't see eye-to-eye on, that we've discovered so far. A lot of it doesn't even need to be discussed, because it's just that straight-forward to both of us. A friend recently chided me for stating that, although the S.O. is in a bit of a financially delicate situation at the moment (as a young magnae at his company who also lives on his own and supports himself), it's important for me not to put pressure on him to let me pay when we go out. Because that is an infringement upon his pride and his honor.
I'm supposed to be a feminist -- how could I possibly make a statement like that? I am a feminist. And I don't expect a man to pay for me. But I understand something about that situation for him that a lot of outsiders can't or won't see. And I don't mean just that he's somehow threatened by a woman who makes more money -- he's not. And I don't mean just that I'm a woman who expects her man to provide for her -- I'm not. It's something else. And I can't really be bothered to explain it, to be honest. Because it comes from a part of our shared culture that runs too deep to explain.
So he's Korean and I'm American. My co-workers are Korean, and I'm American. My students are Korean, and I'm American. What does that mean? Not a lot, when I've already experienced a much larger "cultural divide" with people who allegedly come from own culture, to be honest.
3.31.2011
In which INP faces down the (cute little) beast.
Let's just be honest: I'm not cut out for elementary school. I'm too demanding, I don't have enough patience and I rely too heavily on a system of logical reasoning. Which is not to say that middle school boys are the most logical creatures God has graced the face of our beautiful planet with. But the basic scaffolding is in place. Their system of logic may not be fully developed, but it's at least there.
This after school class consists of the youngest students I've ever taught en masse. And I'm having some fucking issues. Not that the children (and oh boy are they ever children) can see. But inside my own head. I am having some fucking issues.
Taehyeon. Chubby, chubby little Taehyeon. The kid could not be sweeter. He also could not be more irritating. Well. I'm sure he could. Soonhyeon the Crier comes to mind. But I am having some serious issues understanding why everything that can come to hand needs to be shredded into tiny little horrible pieces and then launched across the room at his companions as a weapon of mass irritation. It's not that that I'm actually having an issue with, itself, though. It's the fact that every time I tell little Taehyeon not to do that, he looks at me with sheer innocence and total repentance and sincerely apologizes, and promises not to do it again. And then he does it again. And feels just as guilty the next time.
What the son of a bitch is that? And how do you handle it? If he were six months older and more capable of logic, I would give him a look and use a tone of voice that would make him afraid for his life. Problem solved. But I tried that once, and the look on his face of total confusion as to why it was the teacher he actually seems to be quite fond of now hates him broke my heart into pieces smaller than the bits of scrap paper still left clinging to his sticky little palm. And when he fucked about getting his portion of the assignment done, and I used a tone to get him to get back on it, he then turned around five minutes later and called me over to proudly show me his progress, as though my smile and "Good job!" were literally the most important thing in the world to him.
Team The Simpsons then lost their shit over the fact that I was explaining how one example design was in the shape of a peace sign and kept "listening and repeating" when no one even fucking asked them to, replacing it with "PI-JAH!" (pizza). It was fucking hilarious, and I was the only one who was left out of the joke. And the fact that it was actually really fucking getting on my nerves was not helped by the fact that they were not trying to derail my lecture and create a distraction, but were completely unaware of the fact that they were doing anything obnoxious to begin with.
The long and the short of it is, I'm dead used to behavioral issues. I am adept at handling them now, to the extent that only the co-teachers who bypass me by decades of experience can handle issues more effectively than I can in the classroom. But. These are of an entirely different variety. They are the behavioral issues of boys who are old and ornery enough to be doing it on purpose. Students who are pitting their will against mine. On purpose. I can handle that. This..... utter nonsense is a bit out of my league at the moment, to be honest. My default way of thinking is: Kid is acting like an asshole -- kid is trying to be an asshole. But that's just not so with these little guys.
I'm getting it together. Today already went much more smoothly than Tuesday did, because I'm adjusting my tone and posture and my way of handling them. Gentle and shit like that. I can do it. It's just going to take a bit of self-monitoring to get it down to an auto-setting. Right now, it's not that I can't keep the nonsense in check. It's that my way of keeping the nonsense in check is a bit too harsh for the customers at hand. And I don't want to be Scary Teacher. But all the same, class time is not Super Fun Time. It's just not. And as I explained to them on Tuesday, they are in middle school now. That means that I don't take them to the bathroom and pull up their little pants for them, and that means that they don't throw erasers. Or say, "PI-JAH!" fifteen times in a row for no apparent reason. We're all going to have to make some adjustments and work together on this one.
This after school class consists of the youngest students I've ever taught en masse. And I'm having some fucking issues. Not that the children (and oh boy are they ever children) can see. But inside my own head. I am having some fucking issues.
Taehyeon. Chubby, chubby little Taehyeon. The kid could not be sweeter. He also could not be more irritating. Well. I'm sure he could. Soonhyeon the Crier comes to mind. But I am having some serious issues understanding why everything that can come to hand needs to be shredded into tiny little horrible pieces and then launched across the room at his companions as a weapon of mass irritation. It's not that that I'm actually having an issue with, itself, though. It's the fact that every time I tell little Taehyeon not to do that, he looks at me with sheer innocence and total repentance and sincerely apologizes, and promises not to do it again. And then he does it again. And feels just as guilty the next time.
What the son of a bitch is that? And how do you handle it? If he were six months older and more capable of logic, I would give him a look and use a tone of voice that would make him afraid for his life. Problem solved. But I tried that once, and the look on his face of total confusion as to why it was the teacher he actually seems to be quite fond of now hates him broke my heart into pieces smaller than the bits of scrap paper still left clinging to his sticky little palm. And when he fucked about getting his portion of the assignment done, and I used a tone to get him to get back on it, he then turned around five minutes later and called me over to proudly show me his progress, as though my smile and "Good job!" were literally the most important thing in the world to him.
Team The Simpsons then lost their shit over the fact that I was explaining how one example design was in the shape of a peace sign and kept "listening and repeating" when no one even fucking asked them to, replacing it with "PI-JAH!" (pizza). It was fucking hilarious, and I was the only one who was left out of the joke. And the fact that it was actually really fucking getting on my nerves was not helped by the fact that they were not trying to derail my lecture and create a distraction, but were completely unaware of the fact that they were doing anything obnoxious to begin with.
The long and the short of it is, I'm dead used to behavioral issues. I am adept at handling them now, to the extent that only the co-teachers who bypass me by decades of experience can handle issues more effectively than I can in the classroom. But. These are of an entirely different variety. They are the behavioral issues of boys who are old and ornery enough to be doing it on purpose. Students who are pitting their will against mine. On purpose. I can handle that. This..... utter nonsense is a bit out of my league at the moment, to be honest. My default way of thinking is: Kid is acting like an asshole -- kid is trying to be an asshole. But that's just not so with these little guys.
I'm getting it together. Today already went much more smoothly than Tuesday did, because I'm adjusting my tone and posture and my way of handling them. Gentle and shit like that. I can do it. It's just going to take a bit of self-monitoring to get it down to an auto-setting. Right now, it's not that I can't keep the nonsense in check. It's that my way of keeping the nonsense in check is a bit too harsh for the customers at hand. And I don't want to be Scary Teacher. But all the same, class time is not Super Fun Time. It's just not. And as I explained to them on Tuesday, they are in middle school now. That means that I don't take them to the bathroom and pull up their little pants for them, and that means that they don't throw erasers. Or say, "PI-JAH!" fifteen times in a row for no apparent reason. We're all going to have to make some adjustments and work together on this one.
3.30.2011
The language barrier.
I'm sorry. You're going to have to forgive this. To help explain it a bit, let me just say that INP has been on self-punishment for a long, long time for being attracted to psychopaths. As in, knowing full well that they are psychopaths, and attempting to form a relationship with them regardless. The young years. The years when everything already feels pretty dramatic anyway, so why the hell not try to make it with a total shit-flipper? At some point in my very early 20s, I worked out the fact that that wasn't exactly going to work for me in the long-run, given that I'm not actually a psychopath myself and/or on a self-designed collision course with destructive behavior.
Pre-dating the psychopath period was the "oh, he's there and not that bad!" period. Which was, although I hate to admit it, even to this day something I consider to be even worse. It's possible that it even directly caused the psychopath period.
What I'm trying to say is that I have woken up to suddenly find myself in a guess what could be considered my first proper adult non-insane serious relationship. I say "woken up", because I honestly didn't realize that there were parts of life that I wasn't experiencing. That sounds thick as fuck, but I've been one of those pleasantly single people. I've always had very close male friends, and I've been on a fuckload of dates, so it's not like I was completely naive about 'the way the other half lives', so to speak. I just didn't ever feel like I was missing anything by not being in a relationship. Mostly probably because the 'relationships' that came before were so ridiculously inept that my view of what one was, or had to be, was extremely skewed.
But yeah. Not only is it the first proper relationship as a full-fledged adult, it's also a bi-racial, bi-cultural, bi-lingual relationship. I know. Give me a fucking award for originality. This is the K-blogosphere we're talking about here. But there's been some talk on the interwebs recently (ahem) that has got me thinking about why, even though this is my first little go at this, and there's a fuckload of it going on all around us, I might still do well to discuss it a bit. From my own perspective. Do you know why? Because I'm going through it for the first time. A lot of you will probably find this to be somewhat 'cute', in the way that I find photos on blogs explaining what kimchi jjigae is to be cute these days. But we all have our little idiotic starting points, don't we? Welcome to mine.
First I'll talk about the things that have been an issue so far, and then I'll get into the boatload of things that haven't, and why I think that is. Settle in, chil'en.
First up, the infamous language barrier. I want to explain that the S.O.'s background is a little different from a lot of the men I've met in my time here (which I'll get into more later). The man claims he's from Busan, but his nature and a few things he's said here and there have led me to believe that he's not actually from Busan proper. For example, his high school buddy came up to visit this weekend and he was telling me over lunch on Sunday how his friend was "so nervous" to go out to a proper bar in the big city for the first time. Like, just a bar in Sinchon. He's also made comments on occasion when explaining his thinking (or occasional lack thereof) on certain issues, about how he's a 'smalltown man'. When we go out and I've got on whatever thing it is I've got on, he'll sometimes make a comment about how he's "proud" to be seen with me. Because I'm a foreigner? No. Because I'm a "New Yorker". I've explained a few times that I am nothing of the sort. I am very much a Texan. But he means the style. It's 'big city style'.
He has lived abroad, but not in the sense that his parents sent him. He spent a year in Australia working as a janitor, and another year basically squatting and eating cup noodles while studying and working at a bar in Japan. His English did not come from hagwons or an expensive university -- it is largely self-taught, and therefore things tend to get particularly iffy in writing. Which also happens to be where I have a lot of trouble in Korean, because my language-learning has been primarily via environment, rather than the classroom.
So bad things happen more often when we text than any other time. For example, this weekend he got spectacularly drunk with afore-mentioned high school buddy at afore-mentioned 'big city' bar and started texting me, out of nowhere, in Korean. To make, of all things, plans for the next day. As I've mentioned before, I can largely understand general concepts and context in Korean. But being a native English speaker with a complete lack of specific awareness in Korean, except for very individual phrases, I get easily confused about subjects and objects when they're not there. Or how to imply specific meaning correctly in general terms.
Here's a good example from yesterday: "만약 빨리 마치면 만날 수 있을까?" Now... here's the problem. We were both working late. I know the essential idea is, if [we] finish quickly enough, do you think we can meet? But, is the implication that I might not finish in time, or that he might not finish in time? As in, should I hurry up and do what I have to do, or is he saying not to get my hopes up? Or is his meaning just really that general? So, I usually end up either just letting it go and waiting to see what happens, or defeating the purpose by texting back with all these questions in English to clarify. Awesome, right?
The other thing is, the S.O. has not had enough time to get used to the way that I speak Korean (my particular, habitual mistakes and what I actually mean when I make them, or when I am definitely saying something the correct way vs. where I tend to make mistakes and can't be trusted). The long and the short of it is, this weekend we were on a subject. That subject was: plans for tomorrow. I asked what time. He answered. I got lazy and instead of asking, "Where should we meet?" I just asked, "Where?" Specifically, I said, "어디?" I didn't say, "어디야?" because I had the specific thought that this might imply, "Where are you?" rather than, "Where should we meet?'
He thought I meant, "Where are you?" He answered where he was. I applied that answer to where we should meet the next day. Cut to Sunday afternoon, 2 o'clock (the agreed upon time). I text saying I've arrived, I'll meet you at exit 3 of the subway station. He texts back that he'll just meet me at my place. At my place was obviously not where he was on Saturday night. So, it was obviously not where I was at 2 o'clock on Sunday.
He felt like a total cock. Why? Because he always automatically takes the blame for things. But I knew that it was actually my fault. I know that I have issues with implying specifics in general terms in Korean. It would not have killed me to complete the sentence: "어디에 만날래?" Is that the exact right or natural grammar? Fuck knows. But I would have been able to produce this on the spot and he would've known exactly what I meant. But I didn't. And now we were working with a very small time window and an hour and a half apart with traffic.
Did he get pissed at me? No. Did I get pissed at him? No. Part of it is because it wasn't exactly clear whose "fault" it really was. To be honest, I did have the thought that when I was responding directly after asking "what time?" with "where?" that it should have been obvious. And then I realized that I don't fucking have a clue what is or isn't obvious in Korean. If something were really completely obvious in Korean, he would pick up on it. I made a mistake.
And that was important. Because I understood something for the first time, which is what it's like to really feel like the fucking idiot on the other side of the language barrier. I say stupid shit and make dumb mistakes in Korean all the time. I sound funny, I stumble over my words and I take forever to make sentences. I'm used to all of that by now. But this was the first time someone was truly put out as a result of my mistake. And that was a completely different feeling. And I suddenly appreciated the effort that he puts in and the blame that he's willing to risk taking most of the time, by being the second-language speaker in the dominant language in our relationship.
The thing is, we need to get used to each other. In both English and Korean. For example, I knew that when he told me yesterday that he wanted to "hear [my] fuck", he was not suddenly and inexplicably being incredibly base. What he meant was, he was at work and it had just become clear that he was not going to be able to leave anytime before 9, and therefore he had to cancel his plans to come out and meet me for dinner. He was frustrated and angry. And he thinks the way I say, "Fuck!" in frustration is particularly potent. He wanted to hear my 'fuck!'.
How did I understand that? The same way you understand anything that passes your S.O.'s lips in any language which has a particular meaning just for the two of you. We've established that understanding in language between us that is the same language of two intimate friends with a history of inside jokes. It's our language. It's sometimes Korean, sometimes English, sometimes English written in Korean, sometimes Korean written in English, sometimes English with Korean grammar, sometimes Korean with English grammar. And most of the time it doesn't fail us. And when it does, we are mindful of intention.
The thing is, it's not that different. Although we do have some cartoonesque mishaps from time to time within the realm of the practical, such as what happened this weekend, and while we can get a bit lost when each in an environment where outside people are also speaking the other's native language, when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of emotional communication... it's not that different. Why? Because emotional communication is largely non-verbal anyway. Think about it: how do you know when your girlfriend is pissed off? Because she says, "I'm pissed off,"? I mean. If you're lucky. But no, usually not. When I'm hurt, I avert my eyes. When I'm angry, I narrow them. When I'm embarrassed or uncomfortable, I lower them, and cross my arms across my chest. When I'm upset, I speak quietly.
This is all a language he has to learn from the beginning with me anyway. And one I have to learn for him. When he maintains dead-level eye contact but suddenly shifts to an uncomfortable smile, he's trying not to tell me something. When he cocks his head to the right and looks up, he's pretending to have to think. When his eyes shift slightly downward, he's trying not to react to something I'm saying that he doesn't like or disagrees with.
This is all just the basics. There's also touch and tone and posture. It sounds ridiculous when someone throws out the line about communicating with "body language", but it's not that far-fetched, is what I've come to find out. The times I've gotten the most upset with the S.O. have not been when he's misunderstood my English or Korean, or when I've misunderstood his, but when he's failed to crack on to the meaning of my body language, or when I've misinterpreted his.
For the time being, the language barrier just really isn't an issue for us. Although the S.O. is not the world's best, and I certainly have a long, long way to go in Korean, we're doing alright there. Well. I say "we". Obviously, I mean me. For him, carrying the vast majority of the burden, I'm sure it's not nearly as straight forward. Sometimes, socially, it's a bit awkward. The S.O. learned most of his English by speaking with other non-native speakers and doesn't have that much experience being around native English conversation. He and I are fine, on our own. But when you throw other foreigners or Koreans with more fluent English into the mix, he can get a bit lost and easily confused, which I'm sure makes him feel left out and a bit stupid. As for me, I'm used to that in Korean, because this is the environment I live in. I'm left out and stupid most of the time, anyway. I don't take it personally. It's also hard on him to have to keep speaking English at the end of a fourteen hour work day. I don't blame him there. When I've finished a seven class day, he can't get me to speak Korean to save his life.
Which is why I'm studying Korean. Not because we have any issues communicating the really important things, or because our relationship lacks depth or meaning. Or because I don't want him to take advantage of me, or because he doesn't want me to take advantage of him. I'm not that kind of person, and neither is he -- therefore, no matter what other factors are involved, we are not going to have that kind of relationship. Basic, right? In fact, my Korean "improvement" is creating more problems than solutions at the moment. Because he's giving me a chance to get better, by risking my mistakes. But I'm studying because I simply don't feel like it's fair for him to carry the burden alone. He doesn't mind. And that would be fine if that were okay with me. But it's not. I feel guilty about it every day. Which isn't to say that anyone else should.
That's where we stand with that. Every day our communication gets slightly more Korean, to his great delight. Every day I get slightly less confused about how the fuck I'm supposed to know exactly what's going on without pronouns. But that's far less interesting and tumultuous than the fact that he's learning how to feel when I'm upset, and I'm learning how to see when he's uncomfortable. To be honest. Which is why that is the stuff of legends, in anyone's native tongue.
Pre-dating the psychopath period was the "oh, he's there and not that bad!" period. Which was, although I hate to admit it, even to this day something I consider to be even worse. It's possible that it even directly caused the psychopath period.
What I'm trying to say is that I have woken up to suddenly find myself in a guess what could be considered my first proper adult non-insane serious relationship. I say "woken up", because I honestly didn't realize that there were parts of life that I wasn't experiencing. That sounds thick as fuck, but I've been one of those pleasantly single people. I've always had very close male friends, and I've been on a fuckload of dates, so it's not like I was completely naive about 'the way the other half lives', so to speak. I just didn't ever feel like I was missing anything by not being in a relationship. Mostly probably because the 'relationships' that came before were so ridiculously inept that my view of what one was, or had to be, was extremely skewed.
But yeah. Not only is it the first proper relationship as a full-fledged adult, it's also a bi-racial, bi-cultural, bi-lingual relationship. I know. Give me a fucking award for originality. This is the K-blogosphere we're talking about here. But there's been some talk on the interwebs recently (ahem) that has got me thinking about why, even though this is my first little go at this, and there's a fuckload of it going on all around us, I might still do well to discuss it a bit. From my own perspective. Do you know why? Because I'm going through it for the first time. A lot of you will probably find this to be somewhat 'cute', in the way that I find photos on blogs explaining what kimchi jjigae is to be cute these days. But we all have our little idiotic starting points, don't we? Welcome to mine.
First I'll talk about the things that have been an issue so far, and then I'll get into the boatload of things that haven't, and why I think that is. Settle in, chil'en.
First up, the infamous language barrier. I want to explain that the S.O.'s background is a little different from a lot of the men I've met in my time here (which I'll get into more later). The man claims he's from Busan, but his nature and a few things he's said here and there have led me to believe that he's not actually from Busan proper. For example, his high school buddy came up to visit this weekend and he was telling me over lunch on Sunday how his friend was "so nervous" to go out to a proper bar in the big city for the first time. Like, just a bar in Sinchon. He's also made comments on occasion when explaining his thinking (or occasional lack thereof) on certain issues, about how he's a 'smalltown man'. When we go out and I've got on whatever thing it is I've got on, he'll sometimes make a comment about how he's "proud" to be seen with me. Because I'm a foreigner? No. Because I'm a "New Yorker". I've explained a few times that I am nothing of the sort. I am very much a Texan. But he means the style. It's 'big city style'.
He has lived abroad, but not in the sense that his parents sent him. He spent a year in Australia working as a janitor, and another year basically squatting and eating cup noodles while studying and working at a bar in Japan. His English did not come from hagwons or an expensive university -- it is largely self-taught, and therefore things tend to get particularly iffy in writing. Which also happens to be where I have a lot of trouble in Korean, because my language-learning has been primarily via environment, rather than the classroom.
So bad things happen more often when we text than any other time. For example, this weekend he got spectacularly drunk with afore-mentioned high school buddy at afore-mentioned 'big city' bar and started texting me, out of nowhere, in Korean. To make, of all things, plans for the next day. As I've mentioned before, I can largely understand general concepts and context in Korean. But being a native English speaker with a complete lack of specific awareness in Korean, except for very individual phrases, I get easily confused about subjects and objects when they're not there. Or how to imply specific meaning correctly in general terms.
Here's a good example from yesterday: "만약 빨리 마치면 만날 수 있을까?" Now... here's the problem. We were both working late. I know the essential idea is, if [we] finish quickly enough, do you think we can meet? But, is the implication that I might not finish in time, or that he might not finish in time? As in, should I hurry up and do what I have to do, or is he saying not to get my hopes up? Or is his meaning just really that general? So, I usually end up either just letting it go and waiting to see what happens, or defeating the purpose by texting back with all these questions in English to clarify. Awesome, right?
The other thing is, the S.O. has not had enough time to get used to the way that I speak Korean (my particular, habitual mistakes and what I actually mean when I make them, or when I am definitely saying something the correct way vs. where I tend to make mistakes and can't be trusted). The long and the short of it is, this weekend we were on a subject. That subject was: plans for tomorrow. I asked what time. He answered. I got lazy and instead of asking, "Where should we meet?" I just asked, "Where?" Specifically, I said, "어디?" I didn't say, "어디야?" because I had the specific thought that this might imply, "Where are you?" rather than, "Where should we meet?'
He thought I meant, "Where are you?" He answered where he was. I applied that answer to where we should meet the next day. Cut to Sunday afternoon, 2 o'clock (the agreed upon time). I text saying I've arrived, I'll meet you at exit 3 of the subway station. He texts back that he'll just meet me at my place. At my place was obviously not where he was on Saturday night. So, it was obviously not where I was at 2 o'clock on Sunday.
He felt like a total cock. Why? Because he always automatically takes the blame for things. But I knew that it was actually my fault. I know that I have issues with implying specifics in general terms in Korean. It would not have killed me to complete the sentence: "어디에 만날래?" Is that the exact right or natural grammar? Fuck knows. But I would have been able to produce this on the spot and he would've known exactly what I meant. But I didn't. And now we were working with a very small time window and an hour and a half apart with traffic.
Did he get pissed at me? No. Did I get pissed at him? No. Part of it is because it wasn't exactly clear whose "fault" it really was. To be honest, I did have the thought that when I was responding directly after asking "what time?" with "where?" that it should have been obvious. And then I realized that I don't fucking have a clue what is or isn't obvious in Korean. If something were really completely obvious in Korean, he would pick up on it. I made a mistake.
And that was important. Because I understood something for the first time, which is what it's like to really feel like the fucking idiot on the other side of the language barrier. I say stupid shit and make dumb mistakes in Korean all the time. I sound funny, I stumble over my words and I take forever to make sentences. I'm used to all of that by now. But this was the first time someone was truly put out as a result of my mistake. And that was a completely different feeling. And I suddenly appreciated the effort that he puts in and the blame that he's willing to risk taking most of the time, by being the second-language speaker in the dominant language in our relationship.
The thing is, we need to get used to each other. In both English and Korean. For example, I knew that when he told me yesterday that he wanted to "hear [my] fuck", he was not suddenly and inexplicably being incredibly base. What he meant was, he was at work and it had just become clear that he was not going to be able to leave anytime before 9, and therefore he had to cancel his plans to come out and meet me for dinner. He was frustrated and angry. And he thinks the way I say, "Fuck!" in frustration is particularly potent. He wanted to hear my 'fuck!'.
How did I understand that? The same way you understand anything that passes your S.O.'s lips in any language which has a particular meaning just for the two of you. We've established that understanding in language between us that is the same language of two intimate friends with a history of inside jokes. It's our language. It's sometimes Korean, sometimes English, sometimes English written in Korean, sometimes Korean written in English, sometimes English with Korean grammar, sometimes Korean with English grammar. And most of the time it doesn't fail us. And when it does, we are mindful of intention.
The thing is, it's not that different. Although we do have some cartoonesque mishaps from time to time within the realm of the practical, such as what happened this weekend, and while we can get a bit lost when each in an environment where outside people are also speaking the other's native language, when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of emotional communication... it's not that different. Why? Because emotional communication is largely non-verbal anyway. Think about it: how do you know when your girlfriend is pissed off? Because she says, "I'm pissed off,"? I mean. If you're lucky. But no, usually not. When I'm hurt, I avert my eyes. When I'm angry, I narrow them. When I'm embarrassed or uncomfortable, I lower them, and cross my arms across my chest. When I'm upset, I speak quietly.
This is all a language he has to learn from the beginning with me anyway. And one I have to learn for him. When he maintains dead-level eye contact but suddenly shifts to an uncomfortable smile, he's trying not to tell me something. When he cocks his head to the right and looks up, he's pretending to have to think. When his eyes shift slightly downward, he's trying not to react to something I'm saying that he doesn't like or disagrees with.
This is all just the basics. There's also touch and tone and posture. It sounds ridiculous when someone throws out the line about communicating with "body language", but it's not that far-fetched, is what I've come to find out. The times I've gotten the most upset with the S.O. have not been when he's misunderstood my English or Korean, or when I've misunderstood his, but when he's failed to crack on to the meaning of my body language, or when I've misinterpreted his.
For the time being, the language barrier just really isn't an issue for us. Although the S.O. is not the world's best, and I certainly have a long, long way to go in Korean, we're doing alright there. Well. I say "we". Obviously, I mean me. For him, carrying the vast majority of the burden, I'm sure it's not nearly as straight forward. Sometimes, socially, it's a bit awkward. The S.O. learned most of his English by speaking with other non-native speakers and doesn't have that much experience being around native English conversation. He and I are fine, on our own. But when you throw other foreigners or Koreans with more fluent English into the mix, he can get a bit lost and easily confused, which I'm sure makes him feel left out and a bit stupid. As for me, I'm used to that in Korean, because this is the environment I live in. I'm left out and stupid most of the time, anyway. I don't take it personally. It's also hard on him to have to keep speaking English at the end of a fourteen hour work day. I don't blame him there. When I've finished a seven class day, he can't get me to speak Korean to save his life.
Which is why I'm studying Korean. Not because we have any issues communicating the really important things, or because our relationship lacks depth or meaning. Or because I don't want him to take advantage of me, or because he doesn't want me to take advantage of him. I'm not that kind of person, and neither is he -- therefore, no matter what other factors are involved, we are not going to have that kind of relationship. Basic, right? In fact, my Korean "improvement" is creating more problems than solutions at the moment. Because he's giving me a chance to get better, by risking my mistakes. But I'm studying because I simply don't feel like it's fair for him to carry the burden alone. He doesn't mind. And that would be fine if that were okay with me. But it's not. I feel guilty about it every day. Which isn't to say that anyone else should.
That's where we stand with that. Every day our communication gets slightly more Korean, to his great delight. Every day I get slightly less confused about how the fuck I'm supposed to know exactly what's going on without pronouns. But that's far less interesting and tumultuous than the fact that he's learning how to feel when I'm upset, and I'm learning how to see when he's uncomfortable. To be honest. Which is why that is the stuff of legends, in anyone's native tongue.
3.29.2011
Touching the sleeping tiger.
I don't really even have time to breathe right now, so this is going to be quick. But.
I've started after school classes, and although it has meant staying stupidly late at work and not having any time for fucking around whatsoever, I am actually happier that way. I almost forgot. Teaching is what I like to do. Even if they did give me the fucking first graders for a "conversation" class. Which is oxymoronic to the nth degree. Emphasis on the moronic. I haven't even met the little buggers yet and, as was clearly displayed by the fact that one little Einstein decided it was like, totally acceptable to throw bits of eraser in my class today, they do not know who they are dealing with. Eraser bits? For real? I haven't seen that for going on two years now. As the S.O. put it, "They touched a sleeping tiger."
Also was fooled by their level yesterday, as things went ridiculously smoothly. Went too far over their heads today, and was informed by Head Teacher when I told her and Old Co about it afterward that they are just learning things like, "What is your name? How old are you?" And that they can't do an interview for a small radio story, which is our first project. Well. Yes. You are right about that. But this is what happens when you give mixed level first graders at a low-performing public school to the foreign teacher for a "conversation" class. You don't know that because you're not a foreign teacher and you've never encountered this stupidity before. But I do, because I am, and I have. Don't worry about. On Thursday, we're going to slow down, go step by step, and get this shit together. They will do a radio story, and they'll do the shit out of it. Trust.
Other than that, I've started forming my firm bonds with the trouble making new third graders. Theses are the allegiances that see you through their "king" year. They're stuck in the office after school being (in my opinion, too harshly) punished for vague offenses by Head Teacher who hasn't really clocked on to what kind of school she's at yet. That's cool. They deserve it. But they're going to rebel. They are rebelling. The harder you push them without giving them firm logic for it, the more theyre' going to get stubborn and kick off. Unless you're one of the dreaded PE teachers and then you can do whatever you want. She's working it out though, and staying strong. I gotta hand it to her. Today, her home room class were much better behaved during my session than last week, and she seems to have worked out that when she walks into the room, and the students automatically start calling out, "Hands on your head, eyes closed!" in mockery before she can even get the words out, that that is not a great way to go about things.
Do I have any stories or anecdotes? Yeah, probably loads. But I don't have time to call them to mind right now. The S.O. and I had another little spat this weekend.... well. Not even really a spat. We've somehow miraculously avoided having even a single fight so far. But I got upset, he worried about it, I said I was sorry for getting upset, he said he was sorry for not noticing at the time that he was upsetting me, and we came to an agreement never to get ourselves in that situation ever again and all is lovely once again. So anyway, he's on his way, and I am grubby from teaching six classes and staying after two hours working on lesson plans, so I need to sort it. And get some blueberry muffins in the oven for breakfast in the morning. Remind me to tell you later about the co who's split from her husband, and how the story has a happier ending than anyone could ever imagine, though. Because it's' fucking ace.
I've started after school classes, and although it has meant staying stupidly late at work and not having any time for fucking around whatsoever, I am actually happier that way. I almost forgot. Teaching is what I like to do. Even if they did give me the fucking first graders for a "conversation" class. Which is oxymoronic to the nth degree. Emphasis on the moronic. I haven't even met the little buggers yet and, as was clearly displayed by the fact that one little Einstein decided it was like, totally acceptable to throw bits of eraser in my class today, they do not know who they are dealing with. Eraser bits? For real? I haven't seen that for going on two years now. As the S.O. put it, "They touched a sleeping tiger."
Also was fooled by their level yesterday, as things went ridiculously smoothly. Went too far over their heads today, and was informed by Head Teacher when I told her and Old Co about it afterward that they are just learning things like, "What is your name? How old are you?" And that they can't do an interview for a small radio story, which is our first project. Well. Yes. You are right about that. But this is what happens when you give mixed level first graders at a low-performing public school to the foreign teacher for a "conversation" class. You don't know that because you're not a foreign teacher and you've never encountered this stupidity before. But I do, because I am, and I have. Don't worry about. On Thursday, we're going to slow down, go step by step, and get this shit together. They will do a radio story, and they'll do the shit out of it. Trust.
Other than that, I've started forming my firm bonds with the trouble making new third graders. Theses are the allegiances that see you through their "king" year. They're stuck in the office after school being (in my opinion, too harshly) punished for vague offenses by Head Teacher who hasn't really clocked on to what kind of school she's at yet. That's cool. They deserve it. But they're going to rebel. They are rebelling. The harder you push them without giving them firm logic for it, the more theyre' going to get stubborn and kick off. Unless you're one of the dreaded PE teachers and then you can do whatever you want. She's working it out though, and staying strong. I gotta hand it to her. Today, her home room class were much better behaved during my session than last week, and she seems to have worked out that when she walks into the room, and the students automatically start calling out, "Hands on your head, eyes closed!" in mockery before she can even get the words out, that that is not a great way to go about things.
Do I have any stories or anecdotes? Yeah, probably loads. But I don't have time to call them to mind right now. The S.O. and I had another little spat this weekend.... well. Not even really a spat. We've somehow miraculously avoided having even a single fight so far. But I got upset, he worried about it, I said I was sorry for getting upset, he said he was sorry for not noticing at the time that he was upsetting me, and we came to an agreement never to get ourselves in that situation ever again and all is lovely once again. So anyway, he's on his way, and I am grubby from teaching six classes and staying after two hours working on lesson plans, so I need to sort it. And get some blueberry muffins in the oven for breakfast in the morning. Remind me to tell you later about the co who's split from her husband, and how the story has a happier ending than anyone could ever imagine, though. Because it's' fucking ace.
3.27.2011
The good.
Okay. So enough with the negativity. Life is actually quite sweet at the moment. It's almost, almost finally spring in the ROK. Cherry blossoms and coatless days are just around the corner. I've got beautiful students, beautiful friends and a beautiful beau. Although it is a struggle (one that I massive hate enduring), my Korean is coming along nicely. And yes, my workload has increased exponentially, but I had already expected that. My paycheck will also increase (although definitely not exponentially -- still a PS teacher, after all).
Almost spring, and the free market in Hongdae has re-opened. So when It's Dajeon Darling and I were contemplating where to meet up yesterday afternoon, that was kind of an obvious winner. We both spent more money than we intended to, but resisted a lot more than we bought, luckily. That did not include resisting little coin purses shaped like toast, however. Although those are both intended to be gifts. We sat at the back of the park watching the bands play for a while, before it just got too cold. Everyone really wants it to be spring already, but we're not quite there yet.
Afterwards, we walked over to the Veggie Holic vegan bakery on the other side of the station where we each bought an unjustifiable amount of baked goods and sat in with coffee/tea to wait for the time to roll around when we would head to Myeongdong to meet Grace and Hot Yellow Fellows for dinner. The woman working at the bakery was nine kinds of friendly and helpful, pointing out for IDD which products used milk and which didn't. She also gave us red bean buns service, stamped our card way more times than I think we deserved, and got unduly excited when I spoke Korean. She was lovely. And so were the products, if a bit pricey. Do be prepared to read Korean if you go in, however. Although most of the names of things are technically English, there is very little English signage. Although you could probably just ask if you really get into a bind, and it's not that hard to identify what baked goods are, in most cases I suppose.
Then it was off to dinner, while IDD taught me a thing or two about the Seoul subway system. I'm an Incheon girl -- I take express buses and avoid the subway at all costs. Apparently a lot of changes have happened since I worked out how to do that. And will somebody please confirm that Hongdae exit 9 really did used to be exit 5? Because she now thinks I'm not only an idiot, but also a liar and/or delusional.
Dinner with all the girls, which hasn't happened for far too long, but will hopefully also happen again next Saturday. Lots of talk throughout the day about the trials and tribulations of not being a "FOB" foreigner, and how people can't seem to adjust to that on either side. This included IDD sharing about how sometimes her Korean staff will still walk into the office to find her eating doenjang jjigae or the like and exclaim, "That's Korean food!" as though she has not been informed that what in front of her is not a hamburger, and she needs to spit it out immediately. Or watching her eat her homecooked meals and asking things like, "Where did you get that?" about the ingredients, such as potatoes. For me, it's being told that I can do my job with the most shocked accompanying looks, or asking how I'm able to get to the study room I've been volunteering at for going on two years now.
Also included things like hearing from new arrivals how "weird" Korea is, how kimchi "smells funny", any number of comments about Korean culture, and then running smack into the middle of an orientation group who pronounced it "It-a-wan". Which isn't to say that we were bitching -- we were laughing, relating and even in some cases remembering. In a situation where it's hard to find people who can exactly relate to some of the things you go through on a daily basis, it's nice to have found a group who can.
Dinner with a lot more laughing, moaning about workloads, the tiniest amount of gossiping and possibly the worst waiter of all time. Which was also funny.
It was a good day. And now I've got my head on straight about these damn afterschool classes, and I'm ready to go in tomorrow and make the fucking best of it. If I really work my ass off this month, then I'll still be able to attend Korean hagwon like I planned. If I stay until 7 or 8 every day for the next month, I won't need to stay until 6 until the end of the semester. If you don't have the balls to correct a situation, then you have to accept the situation, and when you accept the situation, then you do what you gotta do. Right? I'm an adult. I make my own choices, and I live with the consequences.
But for now it's time to get my shit together to head out to Sinchon to meet the S.O. for a last-minute lunch. Then possibly off to Myeongdong to pre-spend my new afterschool class cash on clothes that will suit the warm weather that is definitely, definitely coming this week. Right? ....Right?
Almost spring, and the free market in Hongdae has re-opened. So when It's Dajeon Darling and I were contemplating where to meet up yesterday afternoon, that was kind of an obvious winner. We both spent more money than we intended to, but resisted a lot more than we bought, luckily. That did not include resisting little coin purses shaped like toast, however. Although those are both intended to be gifts. We sat at the back of the park watching the bands play for a while, before it just got too cold. Everyone really wants it to be spring already, but we're not quite there yet.
Afterwards, we walked over to the Veggie Holic vegan bakery on the other side of the station where we each bought an unjustifiable amount of baked goods and sat in with coffee/tea to wait for the time to roll around when we would head to Myeongdong to meet Grace and Hot Yellow Fellows for dinner. The woman working at the bakery was nine kinds of friendly and helpful, pointing out for IDD which products used milk and which didn't. She also gave us red bean buns service, stamped our card way more times than I think we deserved, and got unduly excited when I spoke Korean. She was lovely. And so were the products, if a bit pricey. Do be prepared to read Korean if you go in, however. Although most of the names of things are technically English, there is very little English signage. Although you could probably just ask if you really get into a bind, and it's not that hard to identify what baked goods are, in most cases I suppose.
Then it was off to dinner, while IDD taught me a thing or two about the Seoul subway system. I'm an Incheon girl -- I take express buses and avoid the subway at all costs. Apparently a lot of changes have happened since I worked out how to do that. And will somebody please confirm that Hongdae exit 9 really did used to be exit 5? Because she now thinks I'm not only an idiot, but also a liar and/or delusional.
Dinner with all the girls, which hasn't happened for far too long, but will hopefully also happen again next Saturday. Lots of talk throughout the day about the trials and tribulations of not being a "FOB" foreigner, and how people can't seem to adjust to that on either side. This included IDD sharing about how sometimes her Korean staff will still walk into the office to find her eating doenjang jjigae or the like and exclaim, "That's Korean food!" as though she has not been informed that what in front of her is not a hamburger, and she needs to spit it out immediately. Or watching her eat her homecooked meals and asking things like, "Where did you get that?" about the ingredients, such as potatoes. For me, it's being told that I can do my job with the most shocked accompanying looks, or asking how I'm able to get to the study room I've been volunteering at for going on two years now.
Also included things like hearing from new arrivals how "weird" Korea is, how kimchi "smells funny", any number of comments about Korean culture, and then running smack into the middle of an orientation group who pronounced it "It-a-wan". Which isn't to say that we were bitching -- we were laughing, relating and even in some cases remembering. In a situation where it's hard to find people who can exactly relate to some of the things you go through on a daily basis, it's nice to have found a group who can.
Dinner with a lot more laughing, moaning about workloads, the tiniest amount of gossiping and possibly the worst waiter of all time. Which was also funny.
It was a good day. And now I've got my head on straight about these damn afterschool classes, and I'm ready to go in tomorrow and make the fucking best of it. If I really work my ass off this month, then I'll still be able to attend Korean hagwon like I planned. If I stay until 7 or 8 every day for the next month, I won't need to stay until 6 until the end of the semester. If you don't have the balls to correct a situation, then you have to accept the situation, and when you accept the situation, then you do what you gotta do. Right? I'm an adult. I make my own choices, and I live with the consequences.
But for now it's time to get my shit together to head out to Sinchon to meet the S.O. for a last-minute lunch. Then possibly off to Myeongdong to pre-spend my new afterschool class cash on clothes that will suit the warm weather that is definitely, definitely coming this week. Right? ....Right?
3.26.2011
A 'philosophical' debate: On 'foreign men and Korean women'.
I wasn’t going to do it. It felt too easy. But since you crowd know a lot more about my confusion on my role as a foreign female in a relationship with a Korean man than these people do, I would like to hear what you have to say. Also, maybe some of the ‘foreign men with Korean women’ would like to weigh in as well, given that I’m apparently not allowed to on your behalf.
Have fun, kiddos!
3.25.2011
Seongmin and "Sexual Identity Disorder".
I knew Seongmin was gay. I've known it since he was a first grader. He's now a third grader. Today when he was in cleaning the office, I explained the expression "100 watt smile" to him, and told him that he had one. And that seeing it every day made me happy.
Seongmin was in the office talking to Head Teacher for a long time today. He has two best friends at our school -- the three boys have been extremely, extremely close from early on. Today, it became clear why. They are all three gay.
Head Teacher doesn't know this, or if she does, she's not expressing it. She understands that the other two have "Sexual Identity Disorder", but she seems to have no suspicions about Seongmin.
What happened is this: the three boys are all members of a gay online cafe. One of the others, Byeongchan, has a lot of issues at home. Or at least that's the way it was explained to me. Head Teacher seems to have some biases about "low income" families, and the only evidence she gave me of his problems at home is that he has a step father and two step siblings. As we all know, this alone does not create a "bad home life". But he very well may have one. I don't know. At any rate, Byeongchan is not happy at home. Part of that may be because Byeongchan is gay, and that's obviously not going over so well with his parents.
Some of the other members of this online cafe are older gay men who frequent or work at or live at or run or something a gay cafe in Jongno. Jongno, for those who don't know, is the more "Korean" gay area of Seoul, the other main area being Homo Hill in Itaewon, which is more of a hub for foreign gay activity for obvious reasons (although also still very Korean, as it is, after all, in Korea). These older men got talking to Byeongchan, and convinced him that he should leave home to come and live with them at/near the cafe. Byeongchan did, for a couple of weeks at a time here and there.
At this point in the story, I was neutral. Growing up gay anywhere is not exactly a walk in the park. In Korea, I would imagine it's probably less so than certain parts of the U.S., although not so much in others. As with any place, I'm sure a huge determiner of how difficult it is, is how your family views and does or does not accept homosexuality. Or you for being homosexual. It would have been entirely possible that Byeongchan would be having a hell of a time, and that these older gay men would have experienced similar things, and would have been offering Byeongchan an alternative, out of kindness and concern. Although at that age, taking a child out of a home for any reason is, in my opinion, questionable.
These men turned out not to be just benevolent gay hyeongs, however. They're pedophiles. Which is completely different, altogether, from being gay. I feel the need to make that clear lest the comments devolve into a territory in which I would not be able to control my mouth. The fact that there are gay pedophiles is no more an indication of gay = pedophilia than the fact that there are straight pedophiles indicating that straight = pedophilia. Clear?
Byeongchan.... I don't even know. The details are all a bit blurry. But he has experienced "adult things" as a result of his visits to and stays at this cafe. Including alcohol. Including sex. With grown adults who should not even be thinking about, let alone touching a child of his age.
After Byeongchan started frequenting the cafe, he told the third student involved in the group (who was also not happy at home) that it was a very warm, open place where he would be welcomed, and convinced him to come along. The third student went.
This week, two men from the cafe showed up at our school gate. They were waiting for Seongmin. Who has been completely unwilling to go to the cafe or engage with these older men at all. They told him that if he dared to tell any of the adults involved in the situation about the cafe, or what the other two boys involved in the situation had been going through, he would pay for it dearly. Seongmin, being Seongmin, immediately informed Byeongchan's mother of where he was, and all of the adults involved of everything that was going on. He's worried about his friends. And rightly so.
So now Seongmin cannot walk anywhere alone. He lives in the neighborhood, near the school, and these men obviously know that. These two boys were Seongmin's best friends, and have all kinds of information about him and his whereabouts.
My thoughts about this situation are this:
1. Society (and I don't just mean Korean society) needs to deal with the fact that denying homosexuality and marginalizing it puts children like this in extreme danger. When these children have no where to turn, they are made vulnerable. And it becomes so simple for a predator to step in and act the part of the hero. I understand you. I am just like you. I accept you. Those words mean so much when you're at that age, and feeling very much like a complete freak. Hearing it from your parents and your teachers and the right-minded adults in your life would mean so much more. Especially if some of those right-minded adults were allowed to be openly gay themselves.
2. What is Seongmin going to take away from this? There is not a question in my mind that at least some of the adults involved in the situation are confusing pedophila for homosexuality. Seongmin has no proper gay role models to look up to. As far as he can see, this is what gay looks like. How is he feeling about his sexual identity now?
If I could have thirty minutes alone with Seongmin in total confidentiality, this is what I would say to him: There is nothing wrong with you, and these men are not what "gay" means. It's incidental. To be gay does not mean you have to be like them, or be abused by them. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with your friends. And they didn't deserve to have this happen to them. Those men are criminals. There are straight men just like them. And they hurt little girls just like your friends. And your friends didn't deserve it anymore than those little girls do.
I don't know. I was having a bad day at work, but this kind of shocked things back into perspective. Seongmin's got a long, hard road ahead of him. And I sincerely hope that the extremely wise head he's got on his shoulders at such a young age will help protect him from having anything happen to that beautiful smile. He's already taken a very hard right step in letting the adults in his life know what's happening to his friends. I only hope that those adults can be level-headed and open-minded enough not to do more damage than these men already have. Because these boys are children, and they are good children, and they don't deserve to be confused about who they are. They deserve to have nervous flutterings and little sexual exploits with boy their own age. They deserve to have romantic first dates, first kisses and first boyfriends, who are their equals and who genuinely care for them, and who are going through all the same 'firsts' that they are. They deserve to have those normal experiences. Because they are normal. And they deserve to stay that way.
That's all.
Seongmin was in the office talking to Head Teacher for a long time today. He has two best friends at our school -- the three boys have been extremely, extremely close from early on. Today, it became clear why. They are all three gay.
Head Teacher doesn't know this, or if she does, she's not expressing it. She understands that the other two have "Sexual Identity Disorder", but she seems to have no suspicions about Seongmin.
What happened is this: the three boys are all members of a gay online cafe. One of the others, Byeongchan, has a lot of issues at home. Or at least that's the way it was explained to me. Head Teacher seems to have some biases about "low income" families, and the only evidence she gave me of his problems at home is that he has a step father and two step siblings. As we all know, this alone does not create a "bad home life". But he very well may have one. I don't know. At any rate, Byeongchan is not happy at home. Part of that may be because Byeongchan is gay, and that's obviously not going over so well with his parents.
Some of the other members of this online cafe are older gay men who frequent or work at or live at or run or something a gay cafe in Jongno. Jongno, for those who don't know, is the more "Korean" gay area of Seoul, the other main area being Homo Hill in Itaewon, which is more of a hub for foreign gay activity for obvious reasons (although also still very Korean, as it is, after all, in Korea). These older men got talking to Byeongchan, and convinced him that he should leave home to come and live with them at/near the cafe. Byeongchan did, for a couple of weeks at a time here and there.
At this point in the story, I was neutral. Growing up gay anywhere is not exactly a walk in the park. In Korea, I would imagine it's probably less so than certain parts of the U.S., although not so much in others. As with any place, I'm sure a huge determiner of how difficult it is, is how your family views and does or does not accept homosexuality. Or you for being homosexual. It would have been entirely possible that Byeongchan would be having a hell of a time, and that these older gay men would have experienced similar things, and would have been offering Byeongchan an alternative, out of kindness and concern. Although at that age, taking a child out of a home for any reason is, in my opinion, questionable.
These men turned out not to be just benevolent gay hyeongs, however. They're pedophiles. Which is completely different, altogether, from being gay. I feel the need to make that clear lest the comments devolve into a territory in which I would not be able to control my mouth. The fact that there are gay pedophiles is no more an indication of gay = pedophilia than the fact that there are straight pedophiles indicating that straight = pedophilia. Clear?
Byeongchan.... I don't even know. The details are all a bit blurry. But he has experienced "adult things" as a result of his visits to and stays at this cafe. Including alcohol. Including sex. With grown adults who should not even be thinking about, let alone touching a child of his age.
After Byeongchan started frequenting the cafe, he told the third student involved in the group (who was also not happy at home) that it was a very warm, open place where he would be welcomed, and convinced him to come along. The third student went.
This week, two men from the cafe showed up at our school gate. They were waiting for Seongmin. Who has been completely unwilling to go to the cafe or engage with these older men at all. They told him that if he dared to tell any of the adults involved in the situation about the cafe, or what the other two boys involved in the situation had been going through, he would pay for it dearly. Seongmin, being Seongmin, immediately informed Byeongchan's mother of where he was, and all of the adults involved of everything that was going on. He's worried about his friends. And rightly so.
So now Seongmin cannot walk anywhere alone. He lives in the neighborhood, near the school, and these men obviously know that. These two boys were Seongmin's best friends, and have all kinds of information about him and his whereabouts.
My thoughts about this situation are this:
1. Society (and I don't just mean Korean society) needs to deal with the fact that denying homosexuality and marginalizing it puts children like this in extreme danger. When these children have no where to turn, they are made vulnerable. And it becomes so simple for a predator to step in and act the part of the hero. I understand you. I am just like you. I accept you. Those words mean so much when you're at that age, and feeling very much like a complete freak. Hearing it from your parents and your teachers and the right-minded adults in your life would mean so much more. Especially if some of those right-minded adults were allowed to be openly gay themselves.
2. What is Seongmin going to take away from this? There is not a question in my mind that at least some of the adults involved in the situation are confusing pedophila for homosexuality. Seongmin has no proper gay role models to look up to. As far as he can see, this is what gay looks like. How is he feeling about his sexual identity now?
If I could have thirty minutes alone with Seongmin in total confidentiality, this is what I would say to him: There is nothing wrong with you, and these men are not what "gay" means. It's incidental. To be gay does not mean you have to be like them, or be abused by them. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with your friends. And they didn't deserve to have this happen to them. Those men are criminals. There are straight men just like them. And they hurt little girls just like your friends. And your friends didn't deserve it anymore than those little girls do.
I don't know. I was having a bad day at work, but this kind of shocked things back into perspective. Seongmin's got a long, hard road ahead of him. And I sincerely hope that the extremely wise head he's got on his shoulders at such a young age will help protect him from having anything happen to that beautiful smile. He's already taken a very hard right step in letting the adults in his life know what's happening to his friends. I only hope that those adults can be level-headed and open-minded enough not to do more damage than these men already have. Because these boys are children, and they are good children, and they don't deserve to be confused about who they are. They deserve to have nervous flutterings and little sexual exploits with boy their own age. They deserve to have romantic first dates, first kisses and first boyfriends, who are their equals and who genuinely care for them, and who are going through all the same 'firsts' that they are. They deserve to have those normal experiences. Because they are normal. And they deserve to stay that way.
That's all.
3.24.2011
On expectations.
Let's talk about something rationally for a moment. Just a moment.
Can you effectively maintain the interest and engagement of first, second and third graders of all combined levels in the same classroom? Can you manage to teach level-appropriate material to those students that will keep everyone learning and leave no one behind all at the same time? Can you do it in Korean? Can you do it in a language the students, for all intents and purposes, do not speak?
That is actually what you're asking me to do. And that's cool. I know how to work it out. But I just want you to know....
If you expect me to be able to do things that you probably couldn't, or would at the very least never even try to do, then it might be time to stop condescending toward foreign teachers. Given that I am one.
Can you effectively maintain the interest and engagement of first, second and third graders of all combined levels in the same classroom? Can you manage to teach level-appropriate material to those students that will keep everyone learning and leave no one behind all at the same time? Can you do it in Korean? Can you do it in a language the students, for all intents and purposes, do not speak?
That is actually what you're asking me to do. And that's cool. I know how to work it out. But I just want you to know....
If you expect me to be able to do things that you probably couldn't, or would at the very least never even try to do, then it might be time to stop condescending toward foreign teachers. Given that I am one.
3.22.2011
In which INP is mental.
I was going to get into the Korean studying thing. Fuck knows that would be a much more rational, much more useful post. But something else is on my mind this afternoon. I try not to get too personal with this blog, but this isn't entirely personal and anyway, what the fuck do I care? If you don't like it, then fuck the fuck off out of my blog. Right? Right.
Also, the S.O. is well aware of this and the other blog and has the address to both, and is free to read both at any time. Which might also make this slightly more inappropriate. Or less. I don't know anymore.
The point is, I'm mildly psychotic. Possibly minus the 'mildly'. And while it's not in my nature to fight, and most of the time I can't be bothered getting angry about a million things the S.O. seems to think I should probably get angry about, there are a very small number of things about which I cannot remain rational no matter how hard I try. And I fucking well try.
Today I was meant to head out to Bupyeong after work to pick up a present for the S.O. to cheer him up while he's working overtime during deadline, and change the scenery a bit for the two or so hours I'll spend studying Korean. And then I logged into Facebook and decided that the present was canceled. And that a bunch of other things were canceled, as well, which included a whole rotating list ranging from the absurd to the completely ridiculous. I got angry, basically, is what I'm trying to say. Why? Because the S.O. has R.S.V.P.ed for some stupid foreigner party.
He's seen this out of me before. A few weeks back we went out on a double date with HYF and her boyfriend and somehow the S.O. ended up seated next to some drunk foreign guy, with whom he ended up making normal friendly chit-chat. For about an hour and a half afterward, you could've offered to pay me a million dollars for the task, and I still wouldn't have looked the S.O. directly in the eye. Let alone touch him. Let alone let him touch me. Eventually, I managed to calm myself down and get over it without even bringing it up. But the next morning at breakfast, the S.O. pulled out the guy's card and voluntarily informed me that he wouldn't be contacting or meeting him. He's good at targeting the source of my emotions, even if he's not sure why they're coming from that place. And he's good at not needing to know why, as well.
Which is why he's probably going to notice this. If he's not already expecting it.
Why don't I just talk to him about it? Good question. Because I don't know what to say. Because I don't know why it makes me so irrationally angry.
Questions I have asked myself this afternoon while trying to work this out:
Answers to these questions:
Answer: Because it makes me feel like his hobby.
This is fucking stupid. The man has done nothing but play basketball, work and hang out with me practically since we met. Who gives a fuck if he wants to go to a foreigner party once in a blue moon? He's not an "English enthusiast", as I've mentioned before. He's lived abroad in more than one country, and considers himself to be quite Western-minded, in a sense, which is why we are able to get along as well as we do. So what does it matter if he wants to hang out with foreigners in his free time?
But I still bristle at it. And he seems to sense that, and know why. Which makes me feel equal parts relieved and worried. Does he know why because he gets it, or does he know why because there's a reason why I should bristle?
This all has nothing to do with the S.O., at the end of the day. This all relates back to damage that was done long before he got to me. You all know what I'm talking about. It's part of the reason why I react so violently to Head Teacher, as well. Because when someone sizes up your value based on your foreignness, even if they come down on the 'plus' side, it still makes you feel like shit. Or it should, in my opinion. Because they don't get it. Which would be fine, if I didn't get it either. We could go along treating each other like token morons and have the time of our lives. But I do get it. So when someone on the other side doesn't, it hurts. I choose to be around the Koreans I do because I like them as people -- I chose them specifically. But there's this suspicion in the back of my mind that that's not always the case for me. Sometimes I'm the only foreigner on tap.
You know what I'm saying?
Combine that with the fact that I'm not that good at this relationship/emotions bullshit to fucking begin with, and yeah.... I went a bit nuclear this afternoon. And I probably will go a bit Ice Queen on him again when he mentions the party, as he's sure to do soon. Even though I'll try really, really hard not to. And then he'll figure out what's going on all on his own, and make me feel better. But for right now, I still feel uneasy. And I hate that I can't explain why.
Why am I putting this here? It's really embarrassing, I know. And embarrassing is not my style. But maybe I know that I'm probably not alone on this one. And I want to be reassured. Or I want someone to help me understand what it is I'm actually thinking. Or I just want company in my misery. Or I'm hoping to give you some in yours. I don't know. But here it is.
Also, the S.O. is well aware of this and the other blog and has the address to both, and is free to read both at any time. Which might also make this slightly more inappropriate. Or less. I don't know anymore.
The point is, I'm mildly psychotic. Possibly minus the 'mildly'. And while it's not in my nature to fight, and most of the time I can't be bothered getting angry about a million things the S.O. seems to think I should probably get angry about, there are a very small number of things about which I cannot remain rational no matter how hard I try. And I fucking well try.
Today I was meant to head out to Bupyeong after work to pick up a present for the S.O. to cheer him up while he's working overtime during deadline, and change the scenery a bit for the two or so hours I'll spend studying Korean. And then I logged into Facebook and decided that the present was canceled. And that a bunch of other things were canceled, as well, which included a whole rotating list ranging from the absurd to the completely ridiculous. I got angry, basically, is what I'm trying to say. Why? Because the S.O. has R.S.V.P.ed for some stupid foreigner party.
He's seen this out of me before. A few weeks back we went out on a double date with HYF and her boyfriend and somehow the S.O. ended up seated next to some drunk foreign guy, with whom he ended up making normal friendly chit-chat. For about an hour and a half afterward, you could've offered to pay me a million dollars for the task, and I still wouldn't have looked the S.O. directly in the eye. Let alone touch him. Let alone let him touch me. Eventually, I managed to calm myself down and get over it without even bringing it up. But the next morning at breakfast, the S.O. pulled out the guy's card and voluntarily informed me that he wouldn't be contacting or meeting him. He's good at targeting the source of my emotions, even if he's not sure why they're coming from that place. And he's good at not needing to know why, as well.
Which is why he's probably going to notice this. If he's not already expecting it.
Why don't I just talk to him about it? Good question. Because I don't know what to say. Because I don't know why it makes me so irrationally angry.
Questions I have asked myself this afternoon while trying to work this out:
- Would I be upset if he were going out drinking with his guy friends?
- Would I be upset if he were going out drinking with his girl friends?
- Would I be upset if he were going out drinking with a girl friend?
- Would I be upset if he were going to an equivalent party sponsored and populated by Koreans?
- Would I be upset if the party were populated solely with foreign men?
Answers to these questions:
- No, definitely not.
- No, definitely not.
- A bit. The tiniest, tiniest bit. (Honestly.)
- No, not at all.
- Yes.
Answer: Because it makes me feel like his hobby.
This is fucking stupid. The man has done nothing but play basketball, work and hang out with me practically since we met. Who gives a fuck if he wants to go to a foreigner party once in a blue moon? He's not an "English enthusiast", as I've mentioned before. He's lived abroad in more than one country, and considers himself to be quite Western-minded, in a sense, which is why we are able to get along as well as we do. So what does it matter if he wants to hang out with foreigners in his free time?
But I still bristle at it. And he seems to sense that, and know why. Which makes me feel equal parts relieved and worried. Does he know why because he gets it, or does he know why because there's a reason why I should bristle?
This all has nothing to do with the S.O., at the end of the day. This all relates back to damage that was done long before he got to me. You all know what I'm talking about. It's part of the reason why I react so violently to Head Teacher, as well. Because when someone sizes up your value based on your foreignness, even if they come down on the 'plus' side, it still makes you feel like shit. Or it should, in my opinion. Because they don't get it. Which would be fine, if I didn't get it either. We could go along treating each other like token morons and have the time of our lives. But I do get it. So when someone on the other side doesn't, it hurts. I choose to be around the Koreans I do because I like them as people -- I chose them specifically. But there's this suspicion in the back of my mind that that's not always the case for me. Sometimes I'm the only foreigner on tap.
You know what I'm saying?
Combine that with the fact that I'm not that good at this relationship/emotions bullshit to fucking begin with, and yeah.... I went a bit nuclear this afternoon. And I probably will go a bit Ice Queen on him again when he mentions the party, as he's sure to do soon. Even though I'll try really, really hard not to. And then he'll figure out what's going on all on his own, and make me feel better. But for right now, I still feel uneasy. And I hate that I can't explain why.
Why am I putting this here? It's really embarrassing, I know. And embarrassing is not my style. But maybe I know that I'm probably not alone on this one. And I want to be reassured. Or I want someone to help me understand what it is I'm actually thinking. Or I just want company in my misery. Or I'm hoping to give you some in yours. I don't know. But here it is.
The Korean studying bandwagon.
I'm on it. All of you gave lovely responses to that post which I haven't had the time to properly respond to yet, but I see you. I'm going to probably make a more detailed, boring post later today about progress and how the plans are coming along, since so many people actually took an interest, which is fucking lovely to see. At the moment, I'm on that high that hits after you've just started into something again and it's easy as fuck. I expect to hit a real downer when I move up to the intermediate level after today and start getting frustrated as shit again. At the moment, I'm just putting the things that I've listened to and already gained a conversational understanding of into practice, so it's all going swimmingly. And pieces of the puzzle are falling into place nicely. Every single day my listening is jumping up levels. It won't go on forever, lovelies. You can be sure of that. But I should ride this wave of enthusiasm while I have the chance.
3.21.2011
Just a quick note to say....
- I'm way behind on my Korean "homework", which is why this is going to be quick. Aka, I'm about to go to bed.
- We're going way too fast in the book at school, thus this week is a "game" week. Thus, my voice is coming and going as it damn well pleases (games are too exciting and create the need for much louder and more frequent "HEY!"s than usual).
- Little Taeyoung at the study room needs to be cloned and sped up by ten years so that I can marry him (am I still allowed to say things like that? was I ever?). My printer gave up on life altogether today at work just before I had to head out, so we had only a minimal amount of materials to work with tonight. When I started the lesson by explaining the situation, and that we would have a short session, and said he was a lucky guy, he lowered his chin and said, "Oh Teacher. No. Very sad. Small time together, very sad." He also played the piano for me last week for my birthday and refuses to purposely excel at the games we play with each other, claiming a manners namja always lets the lady win.
3.20.2011
A long way to go.
Sometime during the course of the day, while I was sleeping, my mother left a message on my Facebook wall. She said it made her sad that she now has to google my status updates to have any idea what I'm saying. Last week on my birthday, the S.O. casually mentioned making a trip to Busan to introduce me to his mother. I was somewhat horrified at the suggestion, not just because we're only coming up on three months here, and even for me (an American), it's a bit early for that, but also because that will mean a confrontation with a collision of worlds that we're only beginning to really dig into. Once his mother sees my face, hears my broken Korean.... I can't help but feel like something is going to become more real to us than it has been so far.
Now, he's asleep in the next room. But I've spent the day recovering from a "birthday party" in Gangnam with Grace, which consisted of me completely failing to be my new head teacher's idea of a typical foreigner, and having to bow out after only one round of soju cocktail, and drag her to a coffee shop at 1 am to sit and wait for the bus lines to reopen. I slept all day, and now there's no hope of getting back to sleep. 4 am is coming up on me, and it's the hour of thinking too hard about a lot of things. I turn on my laptop thinking maybe I can find something to distract me from settling in to complete the Korean studying I've put off all day long. And I find this beautiful post by The Korean.
It's too easy, and too soon for me to start claiming alternate identities. But this week, these last couple of months have made something start tickling at the back of my mind. Head Teacher and her constant inappropriate reactions to me -- to my ability to handle the students in the classroom ("They respect you!" "They can understand you!"), the relationships I've already formed with my other coworkers, English-speaking or not, which exist completely without her assistance. The way she fails to realize that if I look up from my computer and tune into a conversation she's having with my co-teacher in Korean, it means that I'm already understanding what's being said, not that I'm waiting for her to translate -- these things have made me realize how far I've come, and how far I still need to go.
Need to go? Is that what I'm doing? I never planned to stay in Korea so long. Not that I planned to leave. I was in my early 20s, and wasn't very interested in (or capable of) planning much of anything at all. But here I am. And at the beginning of this contract, I thought, it'll be time to go after this. It'll be time to move on to the next place, the next culture, the next language. I put pressure on myself not to somehow "get stuck". I'm young. Korea will always be here. When I want to settle down, if Korea is the place I'm meant to do it, I can always come back. While I'm still young and somewhat capable of adapting, I need to get out there and see what else there is.
But even then, I somehow knew that six months later I would be in this spot. Knowing damn well that I'm not leaving at the end of the year. And that I probably won't be leaving at the end of the next one, either. I spent six months researching work visas in Vietnam, refusing to study Korean with any seriousness because, after this year, I wouldn't need it. But I never once really even took myself seriously. I knew what was coming already. I always do, no matter how hard I try to deny it.
I don't know what life has in store. I'm not too young to realize that. I thought I would stay in New York forever, and then one day, it was like the fucking wind blew and I knew I would leave and probably never come back. I've already learned my lessons about saying words like "never" and "forever". But I do know that something has changed. And I'm starting to accept that Korea is going to become something bigger for me than a few years in my early twenties spent experiencing another culture. This isn't a fling. And I think I might have already known that the second I stepped off the plane. I'm not saying I'm ready to say, "I do." But something is creeping up on me, and I don't think I'm too afraid to find out what it is anymore.
Earlier this week, the S.O. and I hit on our first more serious misunderstanding. It was far from a fight-- fighting isn't really in either one of our natures. Just a small thing that caused a little hurt feelings for no real reason. But the important thing was that no one got angry or frustrated. And I went against my nature, and put it out there so that we could talk through it. Because that's something that I'm going to have to get used to. And something that the last couple of years surrounded by things I don't fucking understand have prepared me well for. Asking for help. Admitting that I don't know. Being willing to be told that my understanding of things was wrong. He said, "And I assure you that we will go through this kind of things. I don't want to say but You are American, I'm korean. There'd be lots of misunderstanding waiting for us. As Culture, or Language. sometimes we would disappoint each other even if the word that we are not intend to."
Now it's time to get to the Korean homework. I thought I was doing so well, and was so proud of myself when I pulled it out tonight to show the S.O. how much progress I've made in the last couple of days. Then he started to read the sentences out loud to me in a "natural" voice and completely deflated my ego. I don't think I can completely blame his 사투리, either. The truth is, I still have a very long way to go.
Now, he's asleep in the next room. But I've spent the day recovering from a "birthday party" in Gangnam with Grace, which consisted of me completely failing to be my new head teacher's idea of a typical foreigner, and having to bow out after only one round of soju cocktail, and drag her to a coffee shop at 1 am to sit and wait for the bus lines to reopen. I slept all day, and now there's no hope of getting back to sleep. 4 am is coming up on me, and it's the hour of thinking too hard about a lot of things. I turn on my laptop thinking maybe I can find something to distract me from settling in to complete the Korean studying I've put off all day long. And I find this beautiful post by The Korean.
It's too easy, and too soon for me to start claiming alternate identities. But this week, these last couple of months have made something start tickling at the back of my mind. Head Teacher and her constant inappropriate reactions to me -- to my ability to handle the students in the classroom ("They respect you!" "They can understand you!"), the relationships I've already formed with my other coworkers, English-speaking or not, which exist completely without her assistance. The way she fails to realize that if I look up from my computer and tune into a conversation she's having with my co-teacher in Korean, it means that I'm already understanding what's being said, not that I'm waiting for her to translate -- these things have made me realize how far I've come, and how far I still need to go.
Need to go? Is that what I'm doing? I never planned to stay in Korea so long. Not that I planned to leave. I was in my early 20s, and wasn't very interested in (or capable of) planning much of anything at all. But here I am. And at the beginning of this contract, I thought, it'll be time to go after this. It'll be time to move on to the next place, the next culture, the next language. I put pressure on myself not to somehow "get stuck". I'm young. Korea will always be here. When I want to settle down, if Korea is the place I'm meant to do it, I can always come back. While I'm still young and somewhat capable of adapting, I need to get out there and see what else there is.
But even then, I somehow knew that six months later I would be in this spot. Knowing damn well that I'm not leaving at the end of the year. And that I probably won't be leaving at the end of the next one, either. I spent six months researching work visas in Vietnam, refusing to study Korean with any seriousness because, after this year, I wouldn't need it. But I never once really even took myself seriously. I knew what was coming already. I always do, no matter how hard I try to deny it.
I don't know what life has in store. I'm not too young to realize that. I thought I would stay in New York forever, and then one day, it was like the fucking wind blew and I knew I would leave and probably never come back. I've already learned my lessons about saying words like "never" and "forever". But I do know that something has changed. And I'm starting to accept that Korea is going to become something bigger for me than a few years in my early twenties spent experiencing another culture. This isn't a fling. And I think I might have already known that the second I stepped off the plane. I'm not saying I'm ready to say, "I do." But something is creeping up on me, and I don't think I'm too afraid to find out what it is anymore.
Earlier this week, the S.O. and I hit on our first more serious misunderstanding. It was far from a fight-- fighting isn't really in either one of our natures. Just a small thing that caused a little hurt feelings for no real reason. But the important thing was that no one got angry or frustrated. And I went against my nature, and put it out there so that we could talk through it. Because that's something that I'm going to have to get used to. And something that the last couple of years surrounded by things I don't fucking understand have prepared me well for. Asking for help. Admitting that I don't know. Being willing to be told that my understanding of things was wrong. He said, "And I assure you that we will go through this kind of things. I don't want to say but You are American, I'm korean. There'd be lots of misunderstanding waiting for us. As Culture, or Language. sometimes we would disappoint each other even if the word that we are not intend to."
Now it's time to get to the Korean homework. I thought I was doing so well, and was so proud of myself when I pulled it out tonight to show the S.O. how much progress I've made in the last couple of days. Then he started to read the sentences out loud to me in a "natural" voice and completely deflated my ego. I don't think I can completely blame his 사투리, either. The truth is, I still have a very long way to go.
3.18.2011
How I will become conversational this year.
It's time. I got to a comfort level that was doing me no favors, in which I was able to navigate basic life situations with ease, understand what was going on around me and have pleasant little repetitive conversations everywhere I went, having everyone coo at me about how smart I am in the process. But the truth is, I'm still nowhere near functional. Which has become too evident since the S.O. came on the scene. His English is ace, but he's not an English enthusiast, so to speak. At the end of a long day, he would really just prefer to speak Korean. And at the moment, with me, he really can't. And that's not fair.
So. It's time to do something about it.
I'm not a "conversational" learner. I get grammar. I get things when they are put in front of me in terms that I can relate to English grammar, with rules that I can apply across the board. I learn better when I'm building my understanding one block at a time. Almost all of the Korean language studying materials you can find boasted about around the foreigner community are the opposite of this -- here's an entire restaurant dialogue that you're meant simply to memorize without any understanding, grammatically, of what's going on! I can't. If I don't understand why something is phrased a certain way, or put in a certain form, I can't remember it, and I can't move forward. Learning to say one sentence correctly, no matter how applicable to everyday life it is, without being able to functionally apply it to other contexts, does not encourage me. It depresses me. And makes me feel like I'm getting nowhere. Which is why language exchange with the average Korean who is not a teacher doesn't work for me. Even if they know grammar well enough, they usually don't have the English vocabulary to make it clear to me what they're talking about and usually just end up looking at me and saying, "I can't explain," when I ask 'why' over and over and over.
Which is why I'm an advocate for learning Korean in the classroom environment. I want to trust my teacher, to be able to ask questions and receive clear answers. Beyond that, my good old fashioned Protestant work ethic won't allow me to ever show up to class unprepared. Ie, I will actually do the homework and study. When I'm studying on my own, I'll make all manners of excuses not to go the extra mile, not to do another paragraph or another page. But if I have a teacher to answer to, I'll be damn sure to do what's expected of me. And probably more.
I've spent most of my time 'studying' over the past year or so fudging it by translating pop song lyrics and watching dramas. Which is great for listening and picking up general meanings. But that's it. I'm on lockdown, now. I can get the gist of what someone is saying, in almost every situation. I can almost never grasp the exact nuance of what someone is saying, and I can't form my own sentences to save my life. Because I haven't been studying grammar. When someone speaks in a form that I've studied, I get it exactly. I have no problems writing and speaking in sentence forms that I've already learned. Easy-peasy. Even though it's been a year and a half since I've stepped foot in a Korean classroom. So what does that mean? Time to go back to the basics.
If you're like me, and fucking sick to death of people handing you Korean "studying" materials that are written in fucking romanization, for god's sake, and tired of trying to memorize dialogues about where Minsoo is going, or how many bottles of beer you want to order, then this website is a good place to start. It's not great for building vocabulary, or getting loads of listening or speaking practice in. But, as second language learners in the language environment, those aren't things we really have trouble encountering. It's a great site for getting down the basics of grammar in a way that doesn't drag on and on or overcomplicate the issue at hand. If you're like me and can't learn from a computer screen, it's easy enough to copy/paste/print. I'll finish the 'beginner' level by this weekend, and move on to intermediate.
I'm also on the verge of choosing a Korean language hagwon. It's complicated, when you live in Incheon, and are a PS teacher who cannot attend most university programs due to working hours, but the S.O. has been a great help and found out that the Incheon Center for International Cooperation and Exchange has twice-a-week evening classes, 20,000 won for a six month semester. Which is a price that you simply can't beat. Website here. But I don't really have a lot of faith in these kind of 'community' Korean classes, to be honest. If I'm going to commit that much time and effort to something, I'm going to do it all the way. Maybe I've become too Korean in this regard, but I do have a little more faith in a 'proper' (aka more expensive) class. Also, it's not really in an ideal location in relation to where I'm at. It's actually faster and easier for me to get to Hongdae, for example. Which is where Ganada holds a twice-weekly, 2 hour class for 190,000 won a month.
But, to be honest, I'm leaning toward one a little further away, and a little more expensive: the Language Teaching Research Center near Seoul City Hall. The classes finish earlier (6:20-8:00pm), which is important, but also the campus is very, very close to S.O.'s workplace. Which means we may occasionally be able to meet after class/work for dinner. Which I'll admit is a big draw, since we don't get to see each other during the week as things are. It's 384,000 won for a two month semester.
The problem is, Grandma INP is coming to visit for two or three weeks in May. Which means no Korean class during that time. I'm not keen on paying that much money to miss nearly half the classes, so I guess it will have to wait until after her visit. Still on the fence about whether or not to sign up for one month at Ganada in the meantime. I wrote to Seoul Korean Academy about their distance learning program, which would involve studying on my own and emailing in my answers for a teacher to check, but nobody has gotten back to me with anymore information. So I have no idea how much it will cost or what's involved. And the fact that they can't answer a simple email from a potential customer doesn't bolster my confidence in trying to actually take a class with them via email at all.
So. In the meantime, it's plowing through the grammar site, and a new assignment given to me by the Head Teacher today, who thinks that the fact that she once heard a foreigner who "speaks really great Korean" say that food was delicious was amazing, and claims that she's really excellent at teaching Korean to foreigners. I find something about these two statements to be somewhat discordant, but whatever. My new homework, ontop of the grammar site:
One story a day, with a spoken summary in both English and Korean. I don't have a lot of faith in myself about this, to be honest. The stories are only two-three pages each, but.... I don't know. We'll give it a shot. As for a spoken summary in Korean, that should be a regular laugh riot. But. I'm not one to dismiss a challenge without giving it a good go. Plus, I would very much like to someday be able to show Head Teacher what a foreigner speaking "really great Korean" looks like. Knocking her socks off and proving that I'm not an idiot just because she's only known one-contract-wonders before she met me would be dead satisfying. Also, maybe then she would stop telling me reams and reams and reams of stories about all the foreigner teachers she knows who like to drink themselves stupid. Because this relates to me at all. I've got another post about that coming, you better believe. Until then, enjoy this complete snoozer of a post which might be somewhat useful to like two people. Sometimes its happens.
So. It's time to do something about it.
I'm not a "conversational" learner. I get grammar. I get things when they are put in front of me in terms that I can relate to English grammar, with rules that I can apply across the board. I learn better when I'm building my understanding one block at a time. Almost all of the Korean language studying materials you can find boasted about around the foreigner community are the opposite of this -- here's an entire restaurant dialogue that you're meant simply to memorize without any understanding, grammatically, of what's going on! I can't. If I don't understand why something is phrased a certain way, or put in a certain form, I can't remember it, and I can't move forward. Learning to say one sentence correctly, no matter how applicable to everyday life it is, without being able to functionally apply it to other contexts, does not encourage me. It depresses me. And makes me feel like I'm getting nowhere. Which is why language exchange with the average Korean who is not a teacher doesn't work for me. Even if they know grammar well enough, they usually don't have the English vocabulary to make it clear to me what they're talking about and usually just end up looking at me and saying, "I can't explain," when I ask 'why' over and over and over.
Which is why I'm an advocate for learning Korean in the classroom environment. I want to trust my teacher, to be able to ask questions and receive clear answers. Beyond that, my good old fashioned Protestant work ethic won't allow me to ever show up to class unprepared. Ie, I will actually do the homework and study. When I'm studying on my own, I'll make all manners of excuses not to go the extra mile, not to do another paragraph or another page. But if I have a teacher to answer to, I'll be damn sure to do what's expected of me. And probably more.
I've spent most of my time 'studying' over the past year or so fudging it by translating pop song lyrics and watching dramas. Which is great for listening and picking up general meanings. But that's it. I'm on lockdown, now. I can get the gist of what someone is saying, in almost every situation. I can almost never grasp the exact nuance of what someone is saying, and I can't form my own sentences to save my life. Because I haven't been studying grammar. When someone speaks in a form that I've studied, I get it exactly. I have no problems writing and speaking in sentence forms that I've already learned. Easy-peasy. Even though it's been a year and a half since I've stepped foot in a Korean classroom. So what does that mean? Time to go back to the basics.
If you're like me, and fucking sick to death of people handing you Korean "studying" materials that are written in fucking romanization, for god's sake, and tired of trying to memorize dialogues about where Minsoo is going, or how many bottles of beer you want to order, then this website is a good place to start. It's not great for building vocabulary, or getting loads of listening or speaking practice in. But, as second language learners in the language environment, those aren't things we really have trouble encountering. It's a great site for getting down the basics of grammar in a way that doesn't drag on and on or overcomplicate the issue at hand. If you're like me and can't learn from a computer screen, it's easy enough to copy/paste/print. I'll finish the 'beginner' level by this weekend, and move on to intermediate.
I'm also on the verge of choosing a Korean language hagwon. It's complicated, when you live in Incheon, and are a PS teacher who cannot attend most university programs due to working hours, but the S.O. has been a great help and found out that the Incheon Center for International Cooperation and Exchange has twice-a-week evening classes, 20,000 won for a six month semester. Which is a price that you simply can't beat. Website here. But I don't really have a lot of faith in these kind of 'community' Korean classes, to be honest. If I'm going to commit that much time and effort to something, I'm going to do it all the way. Maybe I've become too Korean in this regard, but I do have a little more faith in a 'proper' (aka more expensive) class. Also, it's not really in an ideal location in relation to where I'm at. It's actually faster and easier for me to get to Hongdae, for example. Which is where Ganada holds a twice-weekly, 2 hour class for 190,000 won a month.
But, to be honest, I'm leaning toward one a little further away, and a little more expensive: the Language Teaching Research Center near Seoul City Hall. The classes finish earlier (6:20-8:00pm), which is important, but also the campus is very, very close to S.O.'s workplace. Which means we may occasionally be able to meet after class/work for dinner. Which I'll admit is a big draw, since we don't get to see each other during the week as things are. It's 384,000 won for a two month semester.
The problem is, Grandma INP is coming to visit for two or three weeks in May. Which means no Korean class during that time. I'm not keen on paying that much money to miss nearly half the classes, so I guess it will have to wait until after her visit. Still on the fence about whether or not to sign up for one month at Ganada in the meantime. I wrote to Seoul Korean Academy about their distance learning program, which would involve studying on my own and emailing in my answers for a teacher to check, but nobody has gotten back to me with anymore information. So I have no idea how much it will cost or what's involved. And the fact that they can't answer a simple email from a potential customer doesn't bolster my confidence in trying to actually take a class with them via email at all.
So. In the meantime, it's plowing through the grammar site, and a new assignment given to me by the Head Teacher today, who thinks that the fact that she once heard a foreigner who "speaks really great Korean" say that food was delicious was amazing, and claims that she's really excellent at teaching Korean to foreigners. I find something about these two statements to be somewhat discordant, but whatever. My new homework, ontop of the grammar site:
One story a day, with a spoken summary in both English and Korean. I don't have a lot of faith in myself about this, to be honest. The stories are only two-three pages each, but.... I don't know. We'll give it a shot. As for a spoken summary in Korean, that should be a regular laugh riot. But. I'm not one to dismiss a challenge without giving it a good go. Plus, I would very much like to someday be able to show Head Teacher what a foreigner speaking "really great Korean" looks like. Knocking her socks off and proving that I'm not an idiot just because she's only known one-contract-wonders before she met me would be dead satisfying. Also, maybe then she would stop telling me reams and reams and reams of stories about all the foreigner teachers she knows who like to drink themselves stupid. Because this relates to me at all. I've got another post about that coming, you better believe. Until then, enjoy this complete snoozer of a post which might be somewhat useful to like two people. Sometimes its happens.
3.17.2011
Owned.
Sitting in the office playing dumb around the students like always. The difference is, only some of the students are dumb enough not to clock on that I do understand at least some of the time. It's too obvious from the way my attention gets jerked around.
Anyway. One such genius decides to go off on a hilarious rant about how Koreans shouldn't have to learn English, because they speak Korean. Fine enough, and fair point. Then he takes it to the next level by claiming that someday he (of all people) is going to build a nuclear bomb and blow up the U.S.A. because he hates studying English. This is even more hilarious. To himself because he's kind of an idiot, and to the other students who are cleaning the office and watching this all go down, because they fully realize that I know exactly what he's saying.
On and on he blabs, encouraged by the other students laughing, not realizing that it's at him and not with him. His home room teacher (Head Teacher) walks into the office and I turn around and ask her if she knows that Inho is going to be a nuclear scientist when he grows up?
"What?"
Cue a long string of questions in Korean, trying to sort out what the fuck is going on, in which Inho realizes that I understood every word, and decides the best course of action is to pretend he was acutally talking about how he wants to be a nuclear scientist when he grows up. Until I asked him to tell her why, and the students who were cleaning completely lost their composure and gave him away.
Anyway. I don't think Inho poses any real threat. Those of you back stateside can probably relax.
Anyway. One such genius decides to go off on a hilarious rant about how Koreans shouldn't have to learn English, because they speak Korean. Fine enough, and fair point. Then he takes it to the next level by claiming that someday he (of all people) is going to build a nuclear bomb and blow up the U.S.A. because he hates studying English. This is even more hilarious. To himself because he's kind of an idiot, and to the other students who are cleaning the office and watching this all go down, because they fully realize that I know exactly what he's saying.
On and on he blabs, encouraged by the other students laughing, not realizing that it's at him and not with him. His home room teacher (Head Teacher) walks into the office and I turn around and ask her if she knows that Inho is going to be a nuclear scientist when he grows up?
"What?"
Cue a long string of questions in Korean, trying to sort out what the fuck is going on, in which Inho realizes that I understood every word, and decides the best course of action is to pretend he was acutally talking about how he wants to be a nuclear scientist when he grows up. Until I asked him to tell her why, and the students who were cleaning completely lost their composure and gave him away.
Anyway. I don't think Inho poses any real threat. Those of you back stateside can probably relax.
3.16.2011
Currently being really, really shit about responding to/answering all things related to the blog. But I see you. And I love you. Give me a break, huh? It's my birthday, you cunts! I'll catch back up with you when the madness has died down. (I also have to teach seven straight classes tomorrow, and I think my S.O. is slightly mental. In a good, but exhausting, way.) Take care.
3.15.2011
Contextualizing.
So. In the interest of balance (of my own mind, of course), things that are good about my new co-teacher:
I know she's confused by what seems to be a really hot-and-cold personality out of me at the moment. I always do my best to stay professional, even when I really want to just slam my computer monitor onto the office floor, climb over the cubicle and strangle her. But like any other human being, I have my good and not-so-good moments at this.
The point is, we weren't put on this earth to be in ideal situations at all times. Part of correcting your own ignorance and facing your own faults is learning how to confront those things in others. If you don't take these situations and learn from them, then you're not just wasting opportunities, but you're also making yourself more miserable than you need to be. And life is fucking short. So I'm giving it my all. Truly.
No doubt I will continue to make posts out of frustration, and put those real gems she comes out with here for everyone to laugh at and commiserate over. Because that is a part of our experience, and one that is made a lot easier by realizing that we're not alone. Specifically, that I'm not alone. But it's important not to internalize it too much, or make it bigger than it is. So. There you have it.
- When she's honest about the fact that she's checking English expressions and not trying to disguise it as never-ending, monotonous conversation, we can have really awesome conversations about language and I get to explain things on a level that I don't hit on very often in my current job. I like that. I like teaching English. There's no need to try to slip it in on me.
- When another subject teacher decided she wanted to bring her five year old daughter to the teachers' English class, even though I didn't have the balls to say I thought it was a stupid fucking idea, because it's an adults' English class, and that just simply is not going to work (although I've done it successfully before with a ten year old -- a ten year old is a lot different from a five year old), she told me she thought it was fucking stupid and that she was going to tell the teacher she needed to ask the other teachers in the class for their permission first.
- She's giving me the right to write questions on the students' exams based on my class material so that the students feel more keen to pay attention in my class. She's also making them complete any assignments we don't finish in class as homework, keep all of my worksheets in a file, and counting them toward their grade. No co-teacher has ever gone to such efforts to validate my class time with the students before.
- After being completely, soul-shatteringly offensive upon finding out that my S.O. is Korean, and then trying to make up for it in the completely bizarre manner of randomly blurting out that she hoped I would marry a Korean and stay in Korea forever, she came back a few days later and just asked a series of friendly questions about who he is, what he does, and all that normal kind of blather. It was obviously an effort caused by reflection and feeling the need to make amends. Which I sincerely appreciated.
I know she's confused by what seems to be a really hot-and-cold personality out of me at the moment. I always do my best to stay professional, even when I really want to just slam my computer monitor onto the office floor, climb over the cubicle and strangle her. But like any other human being, I have my good and not-so-good moments at this.
The point is, we weren't put on this earth to be in ideal situations at all times. Part of correcting your own ignorance and facing your own faults is learning how to confront those things in others. If you don't take these situations and learn from them, then you're not just wasting opportunities, but you're also making yourself more miserable than you need to be. And life is fucking short. So I'm giving it my all. Truly.
No doubt I will continue to make posts out of frustration, and put those real gems she comes out with here for everyone to laugh at and commiserate over. Because that is a part of our experience, and one that is made a lot easier by realizing that we're not alone. Specifically, that I'm not alone. But it's important not to internalize it too much, or make it bigger than it is. So. There you have it.
3.14.2011
Important Note.
For some reason (I really can't imagine why), these posts I've been making of late complaining about my co-teacher have been re-posted on Facebook and Twitter and all such sort of nonsense. Which is fine. But I feel like it's easy to take them out of context that way, and to take my position as a teacher who works with Korean co-teachers out of context that way.
I don't know what kind of co-teachers anyone else has had, and I don't like it when people correct my own version of my experience, so I'm not likely to do it to someone else. But I do want to say that this co-teacher is not, in my 2.5 years of experience with over 20 co-teachers, a typical Korean co-teacher. She is nothing of the sort. Neither is she a "typical" Korean. She is an obnoxious freak of the highest order, and probably the most offensive and irritating person I've ever had to work with. In any country. Which is saying something. Because my last work place in New York was kind of a sinkhole of violent personality disorders (aka "writers").
I'm upset because this is not a normal example of a co-teacher, or a Korean, or a colleague. It's not what I'm used to. At all.
Just so we're clear. I'm not about to go all Korean Rum Diary on you all. After all, I at least have the good grace not to dare to compare myself to Hunter S. Thompson.
In other words, I know what some of you folk are playing at, and it would suit you best not to use my blog to play at it. Or at least not to let me find out about it. Because I will eat your faces. Fact. Just saying.
I don't know what kind of co-teachers anyone else has had, and I don't like it when people correct my own version of my experience, so I'm not likely to do it to someone else. But I do want to say that this co-teacher is not, in my 2.5 years of experience with over 20 co-teachers, a typical Korean co-teacher. She is nothing of the sort. Neither is she a "typical" Korean. She is an obnoxious freak of the highest order, and probably the most offensive and irritating person I've ever had to work with. In any country. Which is saying something. Because my last work place in New York was kind of a sinkhole of violent personality disorders (aka "writers").
I'm upset because this is not a normal example of a co-teacher, or a Korean, or a colleague. It's not what I'm used to. At all.
Just so we're clear. I'm not about to go all Korean Rum Diary on you all. After all, I at least have the good grace not to dare to compare myself to Hunter S. Thompson.
In other words, I know what some of you folk are playing at, and it would suit you best not to use my blog to play at it. Or at least not to let me find out about it. Because I will eat your faces. Fact. Just saying.
My actual, literal last twenty minutes of life.
Every day my lunch is main and two side dishes. Side dishes sometimes fruit, sometimes vegetable. Sometimes I have the fruit and the vegetables. Main dish is tofu. You know tofu? Mm. Tofu. Or rice cake. Maybe rice bowl. Rice with kimchi. Or anchovies... how can I say? Baked? Anchovy. Anchovies? How can I say? Baked? Baked anchovy? Baked anchovies?
Today I gave the students an assignment. During class time I had them to write a journal. This year they will keep a journal. Today I gave them an assignment that they had to write about their future. They had to write about their job and what they want to do in the future. They had to write about their future dream. They had to write at least more than seven sentences. Because I think it's good for the students to practice their writing in English. If they keep a journal, then they can practice their writing in English. I will have to read a lot of journals, though.
This student confused me with Mrs. Kim. He came to ask if he could get something back from Mrs. Kim but he asked it to me instead of Mrs. Kim. He said, "Can you give me my basketball back?" But I didn't have it. I wasn't that teacher. Some teacher took the basketball from him because he was playing with it, but it was Mrs. Kim. It wasn't me. He got confused me for Mrs. Kim.
St. Patrick's Day is coming. It's a foreign holiday. On that day, many Westerners drink the green beer. It's a normal custom to wear a lot of green things. St. Patrick's Day comes from Ireland. I read about it in our text book. St. Patrick's Day is an Irish holiday and on that day many Irish people drink beer and wear green clothes. It's coming very soon, I think.
The school nurse and I used to work at the same school. Me and another teacher and the school nurse used to be at the same school. At one time, we three guys... we three people worked at the same school. So the nurse sent me a message and sent also a message to the other teacher. We were at the same school at one time and now the nurse sent a message to both of us and asked us if we wanted to have a dinner on Saturday. I said, sure! Why not! Hahaha!3.11.2011
In which Joo-bong gets my goat.
Today I got to teach alone, which is always nice because the students feel free. In the beginning, that meant free to cause all manners of chaos and destroy any faith I had in myself as an authority figure. Now, it just means free to speak English and free to make jokes in English without feeling like it's "work". Some of the only genuine "conversation" classes I manage is when the Korean teachers aren't around, and the students forget that there are tests and grades involved.
Since my schedule was a big fuckwad of fucked this week, I ended up teaching a couple of classes twice. They ended up being A level third grade classes, which is grand, because their comprehension is such that you don't have to do loads of scaffolding or prep work to make sure each term will be properly understood. Instead, we just practiced giving each other advice. The "advice" lesson is one of my favorites, because it gives me a chance to introduce the boys to the idea that in English, as in Korean, there are different levels of politeness. IE, the difference between, "My advice is to..." and "I think you should..." and "You should...". They cotton on straight away, which is nice. I'm a big fan of good manners, myself. This all started because last year's third grade book was teaching them to give advice by saying, "I advise you to..." I saw that and thought, fucking hell. Imagine if one of them someday turns to a casual acquaintance in the midst of bar conversation and comes out with that line. No good. So. We deviate a bit.
Anyway, there are loads of jokes still flying around from the buzz left over from the middle school stand-off a few days ago. The students know that I'm well aware of the situation and don't approve, so a common theme in today's classes was making anyone from the JJang Crew fill out their worksheet as their problem being that they can't stop being gangsters.
Joo-bong was one of my original 'Special Students' back when he was a first grader. So, of course, he was the first student whose name I learned that year. So he always gets used as an example in class, and the students know he's a bit of a pet of mine. This year with third grade A ban, we're doing something called "The Lottery" -- at the end of the class, they have exactly one minute to look over whatever they've been working on (enough time to glance at key words and phrases, not enough time to end up sounding like robots) and then I call a random class number and that student and his group have to stand up and either answer my questions or speak with each other. I've explained that The Lottery is not a punishment and it's not a test -- it's not meant to humiliate them. It's just so that they stay focused and can practice listening to each other's English, instead of just hearing mine all the time. I hold on to their paper while they're speaking and will prompt them if they get into trouble. It's not about being embarrassed, it's okay to deviate from the script, and it's more than okay to make mistakes. Confidence is the key. And they're to make eye contact while they're speaking. Not look up and to the right.
Well. Of course I managed to call Joo-bong's number, and of course Joo-bong's group made him be the one whose problem was on display. And Joo-bong's problem is that he can't stop smoking, reading adult novels and stealing money.
The first few times we do these exercises, the situation is quite delicate. The students can't get over the idea that I've betrayed them at first by embarrassing them this way, and it takes a while for them to get used to it and just relax. To realize that it really is okay. So, Joo-bong went a bit funny when he tried to say that his problem was that he reads too many novels, and the whole class groaned, and I prompted him to say what his problem really was. I may have pushed a little too hard, for the first time. Joo-bong's not a shy or introverted student in the least, and I didn't expect him to get upset. But he really seemed to. I stopped class for a minute and stepped close to him and asked him if he was really angry. He just looked down with the most horrible expression on his face for a good twenty seconds and I really wanted to die. Then, suddenly, he cut his eyes up and gave out a huge ear-to-ear grin.
He got me. Again.
Anyway, the point is, I don't know if "I read too many adult novels" is going to go over too well with the new co-teacher whose goal for the year is to read the Bible twice in its entirety. But I hope she's not too uptight, because letting the students feel like they've gotten away with something naughty often ends up in us having our best and most fluent classes together. And that's what it's all about, in the end.
Since my schedule was a big fuckwad of fucked this week, I ended up teaching a couple of classes twice. They ended up being A level third grade classes, which is grand, because their comprehension is such that you don't have to do loads of scaffolding or prep work to make sure each term will be properly understood. Instead, we just practiced giving each other advice. The "advice" lesson is one of my favorites, because it gives me a chance to introduce the boys to the idea that in English, as in Korean, there are different levels of politeness. IE, the difference between, "My advice is to..." and "I think you should..." and "You should...". They cotton on straight away, which is nice. I'm a big fan of good manners, myself. This all started because last year's third grade book was teaching them to give advice by saying, "I advise you to..." I saw that and thought, fucking hell. Imagine if one of them someday turns to a casual acquaintance in the midst of bar conversation and comes out with that line. No good. So. We deviate a bit.
Anyway, there are loads of jokes still flying around from the buzz left over from the middle school stand-off a few days ago. The students know that I'm well aware of the situation and don't approve, so a common theme in today's classes was making anyone from the JJang Crew fill out their worksheet as their problem being that they can't stop being gangsters.
Joo-bong was one of my original 'Special Students' back when he was a first grader. So, of course, he was the first student whose name I learned that year. So he always gets used as an example in class, and the students know he's a bit of a pet of mine. This year with third grade A ban, we're doing something called "The Lottery" -- at the end of the class, they have exactly one minute to look over whatever they've been working on (enough time to glance at key words and phrases, not enough time to end up sounding like robots) and then I call a random class number and that student and his group have to stand up and either answer my questions or speak with each other. I've explained that The Lottery is not a punishment and it's not a test -- it's not meant to humiliate them. It's just so that they stay focused and can practice listening to each other's English, instead of just hearing mine all the time. I hold on to their paper while they're speaking and will prompt them if they get into trouble. It's not about being embarrassed, it's okay to deviate from the script, and it's more than okay to make mistakes. Confidence is the key. And they're to make eye contact while they're speaking. Not look up and to the right.
Well. Of course I managed to call Joo-bong's number, and of course Joo-bong's group made him be the one whose problem was on display. And Joo-bong's problem is that he can't stop smoking, reading adult novels and stealing money.
The first few times we do these exercises, the situation is quite delicate. The students can't get over the idea that I've betrayed them at first by embarrassing them this way, and it takes a while for them to get used to it and just relax. To realize that it really is okay. So, Joo-bong went a bit funny when he tried to say that his problem was that he reads too many novels, and the whole class groaned, and I prompted him to say what his problem really was. I may have pushed a little too hard, for the first time. Joo-bong's not a shy or introverted student in the least, and I didn't expect him to get upset. But he really seemed to. I stopped class for a minute and stepped close to him and asked him if he was really angry. He just looked down with the most horrible expression on his face for a good twenty seconds and I really wanted to die. Then, suddenly, he cut his eyes up and gave out a huge ear-to-ear grin.
He got me. Again.
Anyway, the point is, I don't know if "I read too many adult novels" is going to go over too well with the new co-teacher whose goal for the year is to read the Bible twice in its entirety. But I hope she's not too uptight, because letting the students feel like they've gotten away with something naughty often ends up in us having our best and most fluent classes together. And that's what it's all about, in the end.
3.10.2011
My saving graces.
The other night at hwaeshik, I sent one of my old co's a bit of a coded message via text message:
I am really, really, really missing you at 회식 right now. Let's catch up soon.
She answered back a few minutes later:
Oh, Liz. I get your meaning. We will catch up soon for sure. 화이팅!!
Another of my old co-teachers is sharing the office with me and the new co, and she might be the only thing keeping me sane. Other than the fact that I’ve decided to just not be upset by the situation or anything that comes out of the woman’s mouth anymore. Today, she waited for the new co to leave the room and then leaned over the partition between our cubicles:
“Last night me and Ms. [Other Old Co] had dinner together.”
“Oh, really?”
“We discussed many things.” Narrows her eyes meaningfully. “About our new work situation.” Very nearly winks at this point.
“Oh yeah?”
“Next time, you come with us.”
“Yes. I would really, really like that.”
New Co walks back into the office.
“We will discuss things.”
Later on, while the new co was out again, she leaned back in her chair and eye-balled me for a minute.
“She has a lot to say.”
I answered, “Yeah… she really does. And most of it is to me.”
Narrowing her eyes and nodding her head slowly: “I see her intention.”
“What’s that?”
Leaning forward and cupping her hand around her mouth in a stage whisper: “She’s practicing her English!”
Fuck sake. With old co-teachers like that, you can’t blame me for being disappointed.
New year, new Jjang Crew.
The thing is, now I'm back teaching third graders. Who are still kind of second graders in my mind, but quickly adjusting themselves by springing up inches by the week and startling the shit out of me during listen-and-repeat by suddenly sounding like the army, rather than a pack of mice.
Everyone knows I love third graders best. The first half of the year when I get to teach them is always my happiest. The first graders are cute as shit, but you can't play with them on the same level. The issue of English comprehension aside, they're too young to catch some jokes and too sensitive to take them in the spirit in which they are intended sometimes. I like third graders because they're tougher, more ornery and quicker on the uptake.
Yesterday afternoon, some massive West Side Story fucking bullshit was meant to go down between about 20 of our third graders, and 20 third graders each from two other neighboring junior highs. Duking it out to see who the top Jjang for the year is going to be. I don't really have anything else to say about that, because it's just kind of, as my co-teacher put it today, "cute". The Handsome PE Teacher caught wind of what was going on before it could actually erupt into anything (much to the students' relief, I'm sure) and broke it all up. I hear this year's Jjang is quite benevolent and well-liked by the other students, although, as is always the case with the Jjang, he has somehow managed to completely escape my notice until now.
Today, one of the students involved in the fight (in other words, a member of the new Jjang Crew) came into my class about two minutes late. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be much of a big deal, but it's the beginning of the semester and everyone is still on their best behavior. And anyway, you've got to get in there early with the Jjang Crew.
I called him up to the front of the class, and his classmates jeered. I don't normally do that unless someone is just being completely horrible. To get called up to the front straight away is a pretty big deal in my class. I turned him to face outward toward the other students and asked him why he was late. He answered that he had been in the teachers' office talking to his homeroom teacher. Why were you talking to you homeroom teacher?
Uh. Ah. Um.
.... Did you do something bad?
Eyes down.
Student from the back: "Teacher he bad boy!"
"Are you a bad boy?"
His face is going all red, but he's smiling. Because he's realized this is all a bit of a joke and he's not actually in trouble.
Another student from somewhere in the middle: "Baramdoongi!"
"Are you a playboy? Huh?"
At this point he makes toward the door and I yank him back. His face is turning purple, and he hides in his hands with his back turned to the class, who are now coming out of their seats, jeering in both Korean and English.
I turn to the class: "Is he a playboy?"
"YEEEESSS!"
"How many girlfriends does he have? Three?"
"FIVE!"
"EIGHT!"
"TEN!!!"
"Ten girlfriends? Oh my god. You must be busy. How did you get ten girlfriends? Hey.... are his girlfriends pretty?"
"NOOOOO! UGLY!"
"All ugly? Half and half?"
"Eight ugly, two so-so!"
"Well... two so-so is not bad."
At this point the kid is sort of straddling the line between laughing and crying. He knows it's funny, but he also kind of wants to die. Which is how you win over the Jjang Crew. The important thing to remember is, you never, ever pull this shit with the actual Jjang. If that happens, you'll have a year long mutiny on your hands. Jjangs are actually very, very fragile you see.
It's good to be back.
Everyone knows I love third graders best. The first half of the year when I get to teach them is always my happiest. The first graders are cute as shit, but you can't play with them on the same level. The issue of English comprehension aside, they're too young to catch some jokes and too sensitive to take them in the spirit in which they are intended sometimes. I like third graders because they're tougher, more ornery and quicker on the uptake.
Yesterday afternoon, some massive West Side Story fucking bullshit was meant to go down between about 20 of our third graders, and 20 third graders each from two other neighboring junior highs. Duking it out to see who the top Jjang for the year is going to be. I don't really have anything else to say about that, because it's just kind of, as my co-teacher put it today, "cute". The Handsome PE Teacher caught wind of what was going on before it could actually erupt into anything (much to the students' relief, I'm sure) and broke it all up. I hear this year's Jjang is quite benevolent and well-liked by the other students, although, as is always the case with the Jjang, he has somehow managed to completely escape my notice until now.
Today, one of the students involved in the fight (in other words, a member of the new Jjang Crew) came into my class about two minutes late. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be much of a big deal, but it's the beginning of the semester and everyone is still on their best behavior. And anyway, you've got to get in there early with the Jjang Crew.
I called him up to the front of the class, and his classmates jeered. I don't normally do that unless someone is just being completely horrible. To get called up to the front straight away is a pretty big deal in my class. I turned him to face outward toward the other students and asked him why he was late. He answered that he had been in the teachers' office talking to his homeroom teacher. Why were you talking to you homeroom teacher?
Uh. Ah. Um.
.... Did you do something bad?
Eyes down.
Student from the back: "Teacher he bad boy!"
"Are you a bad boy?"
His face is going all red, but he's smiling. Because he's realized this is all a bit of a joke and he's not actually in trouble.
Another student from somewhere in the middle: "Baramdoongi!"
"Are you a playboy? Huh?"
At this point he makes toward the door and I yank him back. His face is turning purple, and he hides in his hands with his back turned to the class, who are now coming out of their seats, jeering in both Korean and English.
I turn to the class: "Is he a playboy?"
"YEEEESSS!"
"How many girlfriends does he have? Three?"
"FIVE!"
"EIGHT!"
"TEN!!!"
"Ten girlfriends? Oh my god. You must be busy. How did you get ten girlfriends? Hey.... are his girlfriends pretty?"
"NOOOOO! UGLY!"
"All ugly? Half and half?"
"Eight ugly, two so-so!"
"Well... two so-so is not bad."
At this point the kid is sort of straddling the line between laughing and crying. He knows it's funny, but he also kind of wants to die. Which is how you win over the Jjang Crew. The important thing to remember is, you never, ever pull this shit with the actual Jjang. If that happens, you'll have a year long mutiny on your hands. Jjangs are actually very, very fragile you see.
It's good to be back.
3.09.2011
The Mood Maker makes my mood.
This evening, one of my old students, Jae-in, accidentally climbed into my cab. It was definitely fate. I told him to go ahead and stay in and tell the driver where he wanted to go, that I would get off after him.
He looked exhausted and stressed out and not at all himself. Jae-in is the one we used to call "the mood maker", because if there was ever any tension between the students and the teacher, or a student and another student, Jae-in would crack a joke and everything was set right again. The last few months of school he spent lovingly growing out his hair, which has now all been cut off into an army buzz. When I pointed it out, he pulled out his wallet to show me a photo he had no doubt taken at the pinnacle of its perfection, right before it had to go for high school.
Jae-in always did his best to speak to me in English, but he was just never very good at it. Now that he's no longer my student, I felt free to just chat with him in Korean and it was nice to hear him just speak as himself (even if I couldn't understand it all). I'm sure he got a kick out of hearing me speak like a child as well, although he didn't once crack a smile or giggle. He finishes school at 9 pm every night, and lives a long way away, but a lot of our students have ended up at the same school, and of course Jae-in is excellent at making new friends, so he's at least not lonely.
It's times like these that I really appreciate the Korean style relationship between teachers and students. In the States, I'm sure it would be frowned upon for a female teacher and male student to share a taxi together, and would at the very least be considered odd, even between the same sex. That distance isn't always healthy, although I do understand the reasons for it. I feel like a lot is lost, though.
Anyway. It was the world's way of sending me a message, I think. That even though the last two days have been a veritable black hole of suck, there was a life that came before, and there will be life to come after. I'm going to get this situation worked out eventually. And in the meantime, the students are keeping my spirits up by trying harder in class than I've seen them do in a long time. Not one time in the last three days have I had to say "sit down" or "be quiet" or "hey, listen". Students like Jae-in will always be there, no matter what kind of co-teachers come and go.
He looked exhausted and stressed out and not at all himself. Jae-in is the one we used to call "the mood maker", because if there was ever any tension between the students and the teacher, or a student and another student, Jae-in would crack a joke and everything was set right again. The last few months of school he spent lovingly growing out his hair, which has now all been cut off into an army buzz. When I pointed it out, he pulled out his wallet to show me a photo he had no doubt taken at the pinnacle of its perfection, right before it had to go for high school.
Jae-in always did his best to speak to me in English, but he was just never very good at it. Now that he's no longer my student, I felt free to just chat with him in Korean and it was nice to hear him just speak as himself (even if I couldn't understand it all). I'm sure he got a kick out of hearing me speak like a child as well, although he didn't once crack a smile or giggle. He finishes school at 9 pm every night, and lives a long way away, but a lot of our students have ended up at the same school, and of course Jae-in is excellent at making new friends, so he's at least not lonely.
It's times like these that I really appreciate the Korean style relationship between teachers and students. In the States, I'm sure it would be frowned upon for a female teacher and male student to share a taxi together, and would at the very least be considered odd, even between the same sex. That distance isn't always healthy, although I do understand the reasons for it. I feel like a lot is lost, though.
Anyway. It was the world's way of sending me a message, I think. That even though the last two days have been a veritable black hole of suck, there was a life that came before, and there will be life to come after. I'm going to get this situation worked out eventually. And in the meantime, the students are keeping my spirits up by trying harder in class than I've seen them do in a long time. Not one time in the last three days have I had to say "sit down" or "be quiet" or "hey, listen". Students like Jae-in will always be there, no matter what kind of co-teachers come and go.
Day 2 of Not Good.
My new co-teacher is a straight-up ignorant bigot. If something drastic doesn't happen in the next few months, I will leave the school and I will be contacting EPIK to explain why they need to partner with the schools to better prepare and train the Korean teachers for the arrival of foreign teachers, because this is just ridiculous. I can handle it. I'm a big girl. But it's not acceptable. You can't control everyone in Korea, and you can't control everyone in the school. But you can sure as fuck make sure you aren't placing a foreign teacher directly into a situation where they are answering to someone who does not have a fucking clue that foreigners are human beings. It's not too much to ask that my direct senior whose job it is specifically to work with the foreign teacher isn't literally the most offensive person I've met since I've been here.
In the meantime, she wants me to teach "about culture" during the English teachers' class. We're going to have some interesting discussions. She may be my senior, but she needs to fucking learn.
In the meantime, she wants me to teach "about culture" during the English teachers' class. We're going to have some interesting discussions. She may be my senior, but she needs to fucking learn.
3.08.2011
Starting over.
This video is currently cheering me up, and helping me remember why I put up with this occasional douchebaggery. Maybe it can do the same for you, if you're having the same first week back blues that I am.
Do You Know South Korea? from David Dutton on Vimeo.
One out of two ain't bad.
I've got my low levels but the mothers' class looks like it's in the can until next semester. Because, "We don't want to share you!"
Lady. Do I look like that easy to you?
I'm not finished yet.
She's also given one of my "teaching hours" over to spending 20 minutes twice a week sitting in the EOZ during lunch helping the students with whatever they need. Joke's on her, though, because I do that every day for 'free' already. Or maybe the joke's on me, because if she had that extra class hour to work with, maybe I would still be teaching the mothers' class. Although I suggested that I really didn't mind anyway, and she basically just eighty-sixed the whole discussion. She really just doesn't want this mothers' class to happen. Fuck knows why.
Apparently, when she went to discuss it with the head teacher in charge, the head teacher explained that only having me do a class for the English teachers was not okay. I am now teaching one for the English teachers and one for the other subject teachers. I didn't really get into this racket to teach adults, but it's what I used to do in New York and fuck knows I miss answering a complex grammar question from time to time. Or explaining the nuance of a word using anything more than a very creative hand gesture. Also, it can only help to bring me closer to the other Korean teachers at my school and improve the overall environment for me here. And by that I obviously mean, maybe the hot new young math teacher will sign up. So whatever.
Whatever whatever. I got my low levels back and that's what's important. That and boribap hwaeshik for dinner. Fuck the lot of the rest of it, anyway. I need a coffee.
Lady. Do I look like that easy to you?
I'm not finished yet.
She's also given one of my "teaching hours" over to spending 20 minutes twice a week sitting in the EOZ during lunch helping the students with whatever they need. Joke's on her, though, because I do that every day for 'free' already. Or maybe the joke's on me, because if she had that extra class hour to work with, maybe I would still be teaching the mothers' class. Although I suggested that I really didn't mind anyway, and she basically just eighty-sixed the whole discussion. She really just doesn't want this mothers' class to happen. Fuck knows why.
Apparently, when she went to discuss it with the head teacher in charge, the head teacher explained that only having me do a class for the English teachers was not okay. I am now teaching one for the English teachers and one for the other subject teachers. I didn't really get into this racket to teach adults, but it's what I used to do in New York and fuck knows I miss answering a complex grammar question from time to time. Or explaining the nuance of a word using anything more than a very creative hand gesture. Also, it can only help to bring me closer to the other Korean teachers at my school and improve the overall environment for me here. And by that I obviously mean, maybe the hot new young math teacher will sign up. So whatever.
Whatever whatever. I got my low levels back and that's what's important. That and boribap hwaeshik for dinner. Fuck the lot of the rest of it, anyway. I need a coffee.
The power of the ajumma exponent.
There are ways around being magnae. This is what good seniors are for.
3.07.2011
In which the beast reveals itself.
So. I know. I can admit it. My head has been in other places of late. But when your job basically disappears out from under you for nearly three months, what choice do you really have? Luckily today they finally put me back in the game. The completely chaotic, disorganized shit show of a game. That is.
Whatever. I'm an old hand at this at this point. It was the new co-teachers who were fluttering about pissing on themselves. Including the main one. Who oddly managed to completely undermine me anyway. Amazing how that happens. I know. She's old and she's the boss and this is Korea. It's not quite as bad as the head teacher who insists on greeting me with "안녕" even though she also insists on speaking to me in full-blown lightening speed Korean and expecting me to always understand and answer. But honestly.
Whatever. I'm an old hand at this at this point. It was the new co-teachers who were fluttering about pissing on themselves. Including the main one. Who oddly managed to completely undermine me anyway. Amazing how that happens. I know. She's old and she's the boss and this is Korea. It's not quite as bad as the head teacher who insists on greeting me with "안녕" even though she also insists on speaking to me in full-blown lightening speed Korean and expecting me to always understand and answer. But honestly.
3.04.2011
Sorry. Still not teaching, which means my life is of absolutely zero interest to anyone, including -- for the most part -- myself. I mean. I'm doing shit. I don't get folded up into the cabinet when there are no classes on the schedule. But it's fucking well private, now isn't it? And also not that interesting. Next week, next week. I promise.
3.02.2011
So far...
So far, the New Co is nothing but a nervous pussy cat. Asking loads of questions and relying on me to show her the ropes. Because my other co-teachers are not exactly being friendly. Maybe I've missed something in translation, but she doesn't seem that bad to me. And I feel a little bad that she's so out of sorts and kind of being given the cold shoulder. I tend to trust my older co's, though, so who knows.... maybe I'm getting sucked into something I don't understand yet. Either way, she's not done anything wrong to me and helping her out now can only work to my benefit later.
Office politics. I don't get 'em.
Office politics. I don't get 'em.
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